Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Lacrimosa.
Frustrated? Yes. Why? Because it is impossible for me to be God- or the universal man and woman- or anything much. I am what I feel and think and do. I want to express my being as fully as I can because I somewhere picked up the idea that I could justify myself being alive that way. But if I am to express what I am, I must have a standard of life, a jumping off place, a technique- to make arbitrary and temporary organization of my own personal and pathetic little chaos. I am just beginning to realize how false and provincial the standard must be. That is what is so hard for me to face.
Murder Tramp.
All of this may just be a subtle way of egotistically separating myself from the common herd, but take it for what it's worth. As for free will, there is such a narrow crack of it for man to move in, crushed as he is from birth by environment, heredity, time and event and local convention. If I had been born anywhere else, I wouldn't be I. But I am I now; and so many others are irretrievably their own special variety of 'I' that I can hardly bear to think of it. I: How firm a letter; how reassuring the three strokes; one vertical, proud and assertive, and then the two short horizontal lines in quick, smug succession. The pen scratches on the paper...I...I...I...I.
Murder Boy.
I realize now that I am just a fool. The things that had been said and done meant nothing. I put weight behind these things, cherished them in a way. I let myself believe in them for the sake of finding something worth holding onto. In the end, I realize I am a fool. My intensity is a quality that ruins me. I feel, while you remain numb to my existence.
Monday, August 1, 2011
She's a fucking individualist.
Analysis of myself:
Self-aware, introspective, engaged in a 'search for self', aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others, Gentle, tactful, compassionate. Highly personal, individualistic, true to my feelings. Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life. Can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong. At my best I am profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating. Able to transform all my experiences into something valuable. Redemptive and self-creative.
I take and artistic, romantic orientation to life, creating a beautiful, aesthetic environment to cultivate and prolong personal feelings. I heighten reality through fantasy, passionate feelings, and the imagination.
To stay in touch with feelings, I interiorize and personalize things, becoming self-absorbed, hypersensitive, shy, and self-conscious. Temperamental and moody, I will play "hard to get", but still feel like an outsider. I feel that I am different from others, and am therefore exempt from living as everyone else does until my emotional needs are met.
I can be a melancholy dreamer, disdainful, decadent, and sensual, living in a fantasy world. Self-pity and envy leads me to self-indulgence. I can become increasingly impractical, unproductive, and pretentious- yet awaiting my rescuer.
When my dreams fail, I become self-inhibiting and angry at myself, depressed and alienated from myself and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed. Ashamed of myself, fatigued and unable to function, I will stay withdrawn to protect my self image, and to buy time to sort out feelings. Tormented by delusional self-contempt, self-reproaches, self-hatred, and morbid thoughts, everything about me becomes a source of torment. I will blame others and drive anyone away who tries to help me. Despairing, I feel hopeless and become self-destructive. In my extremes, emotional breakdowns and suicide attempts have been likely.
I'm a life ruiner; but the only life I'm ruining is my own.
Self-aware, introspective, engaged in a 'search for self', aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others, Gentle, tactful, compassionate. Highly personal, individualistic, true to my feelings. Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life. Can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong. At my best I am profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating. Able to transform all my experiences into something valuable. Redemptive and self-creative.
I take and artistic, romantic orientation to life, creating a beautiful, aesthetic environment to cultivate and prolong personal feelings. I heighten reality through fantasy, passionate feelings, and the imagination.
To stay in touch with feelings, I interiorize and personalize things, becoming self-absorbed, hypersensitive, shy, and self-conscious. Temperamental and moody, I will play "hard to get", but still feel like an outsider. I feel that I am different from others, and am therefore exempt from living as everyone else does until my emotional needs are met.
I can be a melancholy dreamer, disdainful, decadent, and sensual, living in a fantasy world. Self-pity and envy leads me to self-indulgence. I can become increasingly impractical, unproductive, and pretentious- yet awaiting my rescuer.
When my dreams fail, I become self-inhibiting and angry at myself, depressed and alienated from myself and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed. Ashamed of myself, fatigued and unable to function, I will stay withdrawn to protect my self image, and to buy time to sort out feelings. Tormented by delusional self-contempt, self-reproaches, self-hatred, and morbid thoughts, everything about me becomes a source of torment. I will blame others and drive anyone away who tries to help me. Despairing, I feel hopeless and become self-destructive. In my extremes, emotional breakdowns and suicide attempts have been likely.
I'm a life ruiner; but the only life I'm ruining is my own.
Automysopobia
The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.
What fascinates us about Satan is the way he expresses qualities that go beyond what we ordinarily recognize as human. Satan evokes more than the greed, envy, lust and anger we identify with our own worst impulses, and more than what we call brutality, which imputes to human beings a resemblance to animals. Evil, then, at its worst, seems to involve the supernatural- what we recognize with a shudder, as the diabolic inverse of God as "wholly other".
The construction of the "social" other as cannibal- savage, sorcerer, vampire, demon, or an amalgam of them all, draw upon a consistent repertoire of symbols of inversion. The stories we tell about people out on the periphery play with their savagery, libertine customs, and monstrosity. At the same time, the combined horror and pleasure we derive from contemplating this otherness- sentiments that influenced the brutality of colonists, missionaries and armies entering the lands of those others- certainly affect us at the level of individual fantasy, as well.
The power elite is composed of men whose positions enable them to transcend the ordinary environments of ordinary men and women; they are in positions to make such decisions having major consequences. Whether they do or do not make such decisions is less important than the fact that they do occupy such pivotal positions. Their failure to act, their failure to make decisions, is itself an act that is often of greater significance than the decisions they do make. For they are in command of the major hierarchies and organizations of modern society. They rule the big corporations. They run the machinery of state and claim its prerogatives. They direct the military establishment. They occupy strategic command posts of the social structure, in which are centered the effective means of power and the wealth and celebrity which they enjoy.
It is when power is wedded to chronic fear that it becomes formidable.
What fascinates us about Satan is the way he expresses qualities that go beyond what we ordinarily recognize as human. Satan evokes more than the greed, envy, lust and anger we identify with our own worst impulses, and more than what we call brutality, which imputes to human beings a resemblance to animals. Evil, then, at its worst, seems to involve the supernatural- what we recognize with a shudder, as the diabolic inverse of God as "wholly other".
The construction of the "social" other as cannibal- savage, sorcerer, vampire, demon, or an amalgam of them all, draw upon a consistent repertoire of symbols of inversion. The stories we tell about people out on the periphery play with their savagery, libertine customs, and monstrosity. At the same time, the combined horror and pleasure we derive from contemplating this otherness- sentiments that influenced the brutality of colonists, missionaries and armies entering the lands of those others- certainly affect us at the level of individual fantasy, as well.
The power elite is composed of men whose positions enable them to transcend the ordinary environments of ordinary men and women; they are in positions to make such decisions having major consequences. Whether they do or do not make such decisions is less important than the fact that they do occupy such pivotal positions. Their failure to act, their failure to make decisions, is itself an act that is often of greater significance than the decisions they do make. For they are in command of the major hierarchies and organizations of modern society. They rule the big corporations. They run the machinery of state and claim its prerogatives. They direct the military establishment. They occupy strategic command posts of the social structure, in which are centered the effective means of power and the wealth and celebrity which they enjoy.
It is when power is wedded to chronic fear that it becomes formidable.
Netsah
I am a paraplegic Peter Pan puttering along, sputtering my preamble to the post hypnotic suggestion that the way I say the words will matter in some way. Sense is made by the sensors feeding the flow to the mental flux capacitor flywheel fulmination in a feed back loop to the fruit clan Toucan Sam had a nose that always knows.
I've diarrhea of the mouth like the north met the south in order to expose the eccentricities of my many manifesting ego idiom in superlative subjugation.
I've diarrhea of the mouth like the north met the south in order to expose the eccentricities of my many manifesting ego idiom in superlative subjugation.
Hokhmah
Always is always, always and that's forever in all ways. Whenever I think of what you think you are, and are not- I could never say more, because you already know why, and never less because you're on that side of the top, under and around the all of all ways and forever even when I don't spell it or tell it- it's in my own words.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)