Saudade

Vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist ... a turning towards the past or towards the future.

No New Tale To Tell

No matter what they tell me, I never will be clean again. I just have to lie to you, and tell you that there is no emotion in anything I have given away. As I smile, it hurts you so. I took just one small shard of my disgrace, and cut the rest to Hell. You think I'm criminal; delectable. When will you notice that I am nothing?

I wasn't worth the truth, not even worth a cliche. I could describe how it feels to die alone...I've died so many times. It's been Russian Roulette ever since I can recall. There must come at least one spin of the barrel that doesn't end in another gaping wound in my soul. These marks can't define me. Somebody, please hear me and come quick. I'm sick.

My father taught me to give up and run away. I wish I could drain out his ounce of blood in me, but I'd still see his face in reflection, and quickly curse every mirror I come in contact with. Please help... I've inherited this from a stranger I can't help but miss. I've ruined myself, just trying to prove that I'm somebody I could never be.

I would trade away all the words in my heart that have been left unspoken, just dwelling in me until I feel them burn and swell. I'd offer them to you in explanation, for absolution. I feel myself flowing away in all direction. It's a resolution of happiness; things have been dark for too long. Don't change for you...don't change a thing for me.

Just promise me you won't change, because I think it's perfect the way it is.

I want to buy you a lot of pretty things and shyly offer them to you one at a time.

In the words of Manson...

"Anyone with half a soul will hear this and they'll never leave me. Leaving me alone to die was worse than having the guts to kill me. If you don't know what forever feels like, I'll show you what it feels like without it. This time I won't hesitate to kill to protect what I believe in."

You may think you know me, but I can assure you...you have no idea.

I don't want to be your slogan; I'm too busy being poetry.

I know...I know....

I can't fucking help it. Don't judge me. I forgot this song even existed until a random moment earlier today. And yes, I looked it up on YouTube and cried over my stupid father once again. More tears for a man who doesn't deserve them. The scene in the video where her parents are fighting...fuck those memories. Everyone always says "Just stay away from him. Don't bother talking to him anymore." I wish it were that easy. It's like no matter how much I want to hate him, I can't. I'm like a foolish dog who gets beaten, but still craves affection so much that I will continue to get the shit kicked out of me just for one glimmer of hope that one day, he might love me back. It's sickening. But I can't make it stop.

“So, you believe that a cosmic zombie (who was his own father), born from a 'virgin', can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in all humans because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree and thereby pissing off an invisible wizard who lives in the sky (who couldn't find the only 2 humans on Earth)? Yeah....makes perfect sense. "