Saturday, May 28, 2011
Wicked Tight
Thinking anagrams are wicked tight doesn't necessarily mean I want to be wicked tight; one is a descriptor indicating a positive perception of a certain object or concept. In this case, the descriptor, "wicked tight", is used in a postmodern, ironic manner: "wicked" is used because of its seeming obsolescence and unfashionability in the jargon of modern youth culture; "tight" is used ironically because of its seeming relevance and/or fashionability: in juxtaposing the two, I am making a sarcastic statement regarding my enthusiasm for the eddies and currents of popular culture and my perception of the lasting value thereof. But all that is kind of beside the point. Even if I was using "wicked tight" in a straightforward, unironical manner, it wouldn't imply that "wicked tight" was something I wanted to be, only that I found anagrams so. The application of the descriptor "wicked tight" to something as unfashionable as anagrams further heightens the irony.
Hot and Cold.
Today I'm wondering what makes people play hot and cold. One minute someone is all over you, wanting to spend time together or texting all the time, and suddenly you realize that you haven't seen them in ages, haven't even spoken more than a few words to them in weeks. Cosmo always says that when a person pulls back from you, you should pull back as well, and once they're comfortable again, they will return. I believe they call it the 'Rubber Band Effect'.
I actually had a nightmare about this last night. A friend of mine, who has referred to herself as my best friend in the past, has recently disappeared from my life. I honestly can't figure out why. It went from talking on a regular basis and hanging out when we had the time to not speaking at all. I don't know what I did, and I feel like if I ask what the problem is, she's just going to blame the whole situation either on me and some bullshit analysis of my behavior, or she'll give me the same reason she always does when these things happen- Her boyfriend and his sister hate me, even though they've never tried to take the time to get to know me, and they're more important than I am, so she respects their unjustified hatred of me, and refuses to see me out of respect for them. The first sign she's not a good friend lies within- she won't stand up for me at all.
Maybe it's just me, but if my boyfriend told me he hated one of my friends, especially one he hadn't taken the time to get to know, I'd understand that it was his opinion, but that wouldn't stop me from seeing that friend. Especially if the friend didn't ever try to cause problems between us. If I say I'm your friend, then I am your fucking friend. I am fierce when it comes to people I care about. I also believe in balance. Just because you have a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't mean that you suddenly sacrifice every other relationship you have to stick your head up your significant others' ass.
But back to the nightmare I mentioned earlier: Basically in the dream, this friend ended up coming clean about seeing other friends from our past (which I have been slightly paranoid about at random moments), and it was like my past repeating itself in a most horrible way.
It just sucks when you devote time and energy to building a relationship with another and it gets wasted. And the fact that I find human behavior a most difficult subject to understand makes it all the more unsettling. And the only thing in my life that changed that I could see having an effect on this relationship is a new person in my life I've been spending time with. Of course I've talked to her about this new person on occasion, and she seemed fine with it. But once I mentioned her meeting them is when she got weird. And to me it's irrational, because I'm fairly certain she's never met this person, and therefore should have no reason to dislike or be cautious of them.
Barnacles. I just have to shake my head and make my 'polite face', as my step-sister calls it. Humans are hard creatures to understand. And most of the time, the problem with understanding does not stem from a person's complexity, but from lack of it. People who view the world as a shadowbox are endlessly baffling. To shut off one's mind and live as if you're in 2D sounds fundamentally terrifying. People look at things so simply, when nothing is simple. I'm not suggesting that everyone live in a state of constant analysis and dissection, but that people wake up and take the initiative to understand that most things are not what they seem. To understand that we should stop denying ourselves, especially based on the wishes of others.
I actually had a nightmare about this last night. A friend of mine, who has referred to herself as my best friend in the past, has recently disappeared from my life. I honestly can't figure out why. It went from talking on a regular basis and hanging out when we had the time to not speaking at all. I don't know what I did, and I feel like if I ask what the problem is, she's just going to blame the whole situation either on me and some bullshit analysis of my behavior, or she'll give me the same reason she always does when these things happen- Her boyfriend and his sister hate me, even though they've never tried to take the time to get to know me, and they're more important than I am, so she respects their unjustified hatred of me, and refuses to see me out of respect for them. The first sign she's not a good friend lies within- she won't stand up for me at all.
Maybe it's just me, but if my boyfriend told me he hated one of my friends, especially one he hadn't taken the time to get to know, I'd understand that it was his opinion, but that wouldn't stop me from seeing that friend. Especially if the friend didn't ever try to cause problems between us. If I say I'm your friend, then I am your fucking friend. I am fierce when it comes to people I care about. I also believe in balance. Just because you have a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't mean that you suddenly sacrifice every other relationship you have to stick your head up your significant others' ass.
But back to the nightmare I mentioned earlier: Basically in the dream, this friend ended up coming clean about seeing other friends from our past (which I have been slightly paranoid about at random moments), and it was like my past repeating itself in a most horrible way.
It just sucks when you devote time and energy to building a relationship with another and it gets wasted. And the fact that I find human behavior a most difficult subject to understand makes it all the more unsettling. And the only thing in my life that changed that I could see having an effect on this relationship is a new person in my life I've been spending time with. Of course I've talked to her about this new person on occasion, and she seemed fine with it. But once I mentioned her meeting them is when she got weird. And to me it's irrational, because I'm fairly certain she's never met this person, and therefore should have no reason to dislike or be cautious of them.
Barnacles. I just have to shake my head and make my 'polite face', as my step-sister calls it. Humans are hard creatures to understand. And most of the time, the problem with understanding does not stem from a person's complexity, but from lack of it. People who view the world as a shadowbox are endlessly baffling. To shut off one's mind and live as if you're in 2D sounds fundamentally terrifying. People look at things so simply, when nothing is simple. I'm not suggesting that everyone live in a state of constant analysis and dissection, but that people wake up and take the initiative to understand that most things are not what they seem. To understand that we should stop denying ourselves, especially based on the wishes of others.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Psycho babble, straight from the mind of a raging lunatic.
Bitch, bitch, bitch, all I fucking do is bitch. But quite honestly I just need to get this shit out of my head and no one really wants to hear it so it just gets put here, because no one reads this fucking blog anyways. So in essence when I say "people" and "you", I'm just talking to myself. Nice.
Since a particular person can never quite help themselves and keeps asking, "What is your problem?!", since I don't smile constantly, I thought I would just list what's wrong here. At least then I will have something to reference the next time I piss you off for being REALISTIC.
So, "What's wrong?", you ask....
I'm homeless. Luckily I recently found a job, but pretty soon I'll be living in my car in the parking lot. I have become nomadic, wandering aimlessly as I struggle to find a steady place to stop and regain form. The people I wish I could spend time with live far away from where I am trapped; and the people I could be spending time with now are treating me like a dog who pissed on their carpet. I don't know what I did, but fuck you for always doing the same shit to me. And fuck me for always letting it happen.
I am trying pretty diligently to find a place to live at the moment, and have come up with nothing. Can't tell if I'm supposed to be doing this or not. It seems like what I thought was happening isn't going to, because maybe this is one of those fucked up things where you try to help someone in some way, and you do, but end up getting left behind in the process. Thought maybe it was a we thing, and I think it is. I'm just not included in the we, I don't think. None of this makes any fucking sense. I'm on the verge of imploding because I'm tossing these ideas around back and forth over and again trying to decide if I'm supposed to say something about it or just sit here like the fucking fool I obviously am and just let my life continue to slip further into nothing until someone else finally comes clean and tells me it's off and I'm a fucking idiot. I'm waiting for all of this to happen, and at the same time trying to smile and pretend it isn't happening and lying to myself and saying things are something else entirely so that perhaps the law of attraction will work in my favor for once and what I fucking want may actually come.
I'm trying hard every day to appreciate what I do have, which at this point is a trash bag full of clothes and my car. You can't be happy unless you appreciate what you already have! Yeah, I do appreciate it. Because I'm lucky to have a floor to sleep on at night and someones house to shower at occasionally. And you know what bugs me the most about it isn't my actual situation...it's more the fact that certain people who I wish would care and maybe even understand some of the things I'm going through right now DON'T. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me; pity is unnecessary. I just thought it would be nice for one person to see it and just want to listen and nod their head, and maybe give me a hug.
I'm far behind where I should be. And you know if I find out I really am being used, I will have to fucking laugh before I can cry, because I have nothing to give, and someone is still finding life to suck out of me. Fuck everything sometimes. Can't you just say something real to me? Can you explain anything? Maybe even read my mind so I don't have to bring it up...If I implode I'll just drive away and never look back. I'll just turn into someone else and live a lie until I die.
Someone told me recently that my numerology chart was inaccurate because it indicated that I should be bubbly and optimistic. I was actually quite ashamed of myself when they said that. I feel guilty every time I have these moments and write these things. But at the moment almost everything is overly complicated and ugly, and it's hard to find a safe place to just exist and feel okay. I don't want to seem like this sullen girl, who's been broken down and can't regain her happiness. I am very optimistic on the inside. I hold onto hope like a buoy in a raging sea. But I'm so tired of sharing my hopes or accomplishments with people and having them mocked, or having it thrown at me like rotting shit when it doesn't work out that I've started internalizing them all. And although I secretly devote the bulk of my energy to these optimistic wishes, my pessimism exposes itself as I expect the worst possible scenarios to play out. I'm a walking paradox, but I think we all are to some extent. It just seems to me that I keep encountering emotionally crippling situations one after another, and they occur so closely together that I'm being cut again before I've even fully healed from the previous wounds. I'm just waiting for something, someone. I don't even know. Sometimes I think it's a lost cause to expect another being to understand my experience and know some way to help me save myself. I know most people just tell me to get over it, because it's over and no good comes from dwelling. But with the way my mind works, I honestly at times cannot help but allow these events to remain omnipresent. It's more of a reflection, honestly. I don't sit and purposely think of these things and slowly rip my sutures out; I just find myself reflecting on my past, trying to figure out where I messed up so I can prevent my own history from repeating itself.
I don't want to be this way. I don't want people to see me as a depressive psychotic. Very few people truly know me, and I wish I knew how to show the ones who don't who I really am.
Since a particular person can never quite help themselves and keeps asking, "What is your problem?!", since I don't smile constantly, I thought I would just list what's wrong here. At least then I will have something to reference the next time I piss you off for being REALISTIC.
So, "What's wrong?", you ask....
I'm homeless. Luckily I recently found a job, but pretty soon I'll be living in my car in the parking lot. I have become nomadic, wandering aimlessly as I struggle to find a steady place to stop and regain form. The people I wish I could spend time with live far away from where I am trapped; and the people I could be spending time with now are treating me like a dog who pissed on their carpet. I don't know what I did, but fuck you for always doing the same shit to me. And fuck me for always letting it happen.
I am trying pretty diligently to find a place to live at the moment, and have come up with nothing. Can't tell if I'm supposed to be doing this or not. It seems like what I thought was happening isn't going to, because maybe this is one of those fucked up things where you try to help someone in some way, and you do, but end up getting left behind in the process. Thought maybe it was a we thing, and I think it is. I'm just not included in the we, I don't think. None of this makes any fucking sense. I'm on the verge of imploding because I'm tossing these ideas around back and forth over and again trying to decide if I'm supposed to say something about it or just sit here like the fucking fool I obviously am and just let my life continue to slip further into nothing until someone else finally comes clean and tells me it's off and I'm a fucking idiot. I'm waiting for all of this to happen, and at the same time trying to smile and pretend it isn't happening and lying to myself and saying things are something else entirely so that perhaps the law of attraction will work in my favor for once and what I fucking want may actually come.
I'm trying hard every day to appreciate what I do have, which at this point is a trash bag full of clothes and my car. You can't be happy unless you appreciate what you already have! Yeah, I do appreciate it. Because I'm lucky to have a floor to sleep on at night and someones house to shower at occasionally. And you know what bugs me the most about it isn't my actual situation...it's more the fact that certain people who I wish would care and maybe even understand some of the things I'm going through right now DON'T. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me; pity is unnecessary. I just thought it would be nice for one person to see it and just want to listen and nod their head, and maybe give me a hug.
I'm far behind where I should be. And you know if I find out I really am being used, I will have to fucking laugh before I can cry, because I have nothing to give, and someone is still finding life to suck out of me. Fuck everything sometimes. Can't you just say something real to me? Can you explain anything? Maybe even read my mind so I don't have to bring it up...If I implode I'll just drive away and never look back. I'll just turn into someone else and live a lie until I die.
Someone told me recently that my numerology chart was inaccurate because it indicated that I should be bubbly and optimistic. I was actually quite ashamed of myself when they said that. I feel guilty every time I have these moments and write these things. But at the moment almost everything is overly complicated and ugly, and it's hard to find a safe place to just exist and feel okay. I don't want to seem like this sullen girl, who's been broken down and can't regain her happiness. I am very optimistic on the inside. I hold onto hope like a buoy in a raging sea. But I'm so tired of sharing my hopes or accomplishments with people and having them mocked, or having it thrown at me like rotting shit when it doesn't work out that I've started internalizing them all. And although I secretly devote the bulk of my energy to these optimistic wishes, my pessimism exposes itself as I expect the worst possible scenarios to play out. I'm a walking paradox, but I think we all are to some extent. It just seems to me that I keep encountering emotionally crippling situations one after another, and they occur so closely together that I'm being cut again before I've even fully healed from the previous wounds. I'm just waiting for something, someone. I don't even know. Sometimes I think it's a lost cause to expect another being to understand my experience and know some way to help me save myself. I know most people just tell me to get over it, because it's over and no good comes from dwelling. But with the way my mind works, I honestly at times cannot help but allow these events to remain omnipresent. It's more of a reflection, honestly. I don't sit and purposely think of these things and slowly rip my sutures out; I just find myself reflecting on my past, trying to figure out where I messed up so I can prevent my own history from repeating itself.
I don't want to be this way. I don't want people to see me as a depressive psychotic. Very few people truly know me, and I wish I knew how to show the ones who don't who I really am.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
She's a life ruiner...
I`m not lonely, I just feel alone. I can`t find the proper words to explain myself. I`m feeling stagnated. There is someone there, but I don`t know how to let them in. It feels like it isn`t real. Like maybe this is temporary, so close to ending before it really begins. There are moments that feel right, but once I`m alone I feel completely surrounded. There is a hole in me; all I need is to find something to fill it. I feel like my chest is imploding; my heart another palpitation away from giving up on me. I feel deadened when I should be feeling slightly alive. I can`t understand why people always expect another to change. One of the worst things a person can say, I feel, is that your problems are on you, and they can`t help or even care to understand you. That you must change to gain their respect, admiration, and love. Can anyone see our flaws and accept them? I don`t think we`re flawed; perhaps misunderstood, even possibly envied in some way. Flaws don`t seem to exist here.
It`s all a silk road to ruin, reduced to fragmented decay left to rot in the sun. Vultures circle and scavenge my remains slowly, until there is nothing left apart from these scattered words and a mummified heart, reduced to dust. I'm a life ruiner, but the only life I'm ruining is my own.
It`s all a silk road to ruin, reduced to fragmented decay left to rot in the sun. Vultures circle and scavenge my remains slowly, until there is nothing left apart from these scattered words and a mummified heart, reduced to dust. I'm a life ruiner, but the only life I'm ruining is my own.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Saudade
Vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist ... a turning towards the past or towards the future.
No New Tale To Tell
No matter what they tell me, I never will be clean again. I just have to lie to you, and tell you that there is no emotion in anything I have given away. As I smile, it hurts you so. I took just one small shard of my disgrace, and cut the rest to Hell. You think I'm criminal; delectable. When will you notice that I am nothing?
I wasn't worth the truth, not even worth a cliche. I could describe how it feels to die alone...I've died so many times. It's been Russian Roulette ever since I can recall. There must come at least one spin of the barrel that doesn't end in another gaping wound in my soul. These marks can't define me. Somebody, please hear me and come quick. I'm sick.
My father taught me to give up and run away. I wish I could drain out his ounce of blood in me, but I'd still see his face in reflection, and quickly curse every mirror I come in contact with. Please help... I've inherited this from a stranger I can't help but miss. I've ruined myself, just trying to prove that I'm somebody I could never be.
I would trade away all the words in my heart that have been left unspoken, just dwelling in me until I feel them burn and swell. I'd offer them to you in explanation, for absolution. I feel myself flowing away in all direction. It's a resolution of happiness; things have been dark for too long. Don't change for you...don't change a thing for me.
Just promise me you won't change, because I think it's perfect the way it is.
I wasn't worth the truth, not even worth a cliche. I could describe how it feels to die alone...I've died so many times. It's been Russian Roulette ever since I can recall. There must come at least one spin of the barrel that doesn't end in another gaping wound in my soul. These marks can't define me. Somebody, please hear me and come quick. I'm sick.
My father taught me to give up and run away. I wish I could drain out his ounce of blood in me, but I'd still see his face in reflection, and quickly curse every mirror I come in contact with. Please help... I've inherited this from a stranger I can't help but miss. I've ruined myself, just trying to prove that I'm somebody I could never be.
I would trade away all the words in my heart that have been left unspoken, just dwelling in me until I feel them burn and swell. I'd offer them to you in explanation, for absolution. I feel myself flowing away in all direction. It's a resolution of happiness; things have been dark for too long. Don't change for you...don't change a thing for me.
Just promise me you won't change, because I think it's perfect the way it is.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
In the words of Manson...
"Anyone with half a soul will hear this and they'll never leave me. Leaving me alone to die was worse than having the guts to kill me. If you don't know what forever feels like, I'll show you what it feels like without it. This time I won't hesitate to kill to protect what I believe in."
Friday, May 6, 2011
I know...I know....
I can't fucking help it. Don't judge me. I forgot this song even existed until a random moment earlier today. And yes, I looked it up on YouTube and cried over my stupid father once again. More tears for a man who doesn't deserve them. The scene in the video where her parents are fighting...fuck those memories. Everyone always says "Just stay away from him. Don't bother talking to him anymore." I wish it were that easy. It's like no matter how much I want to hate him, I can't. I'm like a foolish dog who gets beaten, but still craves affection so much that I will continue to get the shit kicked out of me just for one glimmer of hope that one day, he might love me back. It's sickening. But I can't make it stop.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
“So, you believe that a cosmic zombie (who was his own father), born from a 'virgin', can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in all humans because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree and thereby pissing off an invisible wizard who lives in the sky (who couldn't find the only 2 humans on Earth)? Yeah....makes perfect sense. "
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