Bitch, bitch, bitch, all I fucking do is bitch. But quite honestly I just need to get this shit out of my head and no one really wants to hear it so it just gets put here, because no one reads this fucking blog anyways. So in essence when I say "people" and "you", I'm just talking to myself. Nice.
Since a particular person can never quite help themselves and keeps asking, "What is your problem?!", since I don't smile constantly, I thought I would just list what's wrong here. At least then I will have something to reference the next time I piss you off for being REALISTIC.
So, "What's wrong?", you ask....
I'm homeless. Luckily I recently found a job, but pretty soon I'll be living in my car in the parking lot. I have become nomadic, wandering aimlessly as I struggle to find a steady place to stop and regain form. The people I wish I could spend time with live far away from where I am trapped; and the people I could be spending time with now are treating me like a dog who pissed on their carpet. I don't know what I did, but fuck you for always doing the same shit to me. And fuck me for always letting it happen.
I am trying pretty diligently to find a place to live at the moment, and have come up with nothing. Can't tell if I'm supposed to be doing this or not. It seems like what I thought was happening isn't going to, because maybe this is one of those fucked up things where you try to help someone in some way, and you do, but end up getting left behind in the process. Thought maybe it was a we thing, and I think it is. I'm just not included in the we, I don't think. None of this makes any fucking sense. I'm on the verge of imploding because I'm tossing these ideas around back and forth over and again trying to decide if I'm supposed to say something about it or just sit here like the fucking fool I obviously am and just let my life continue to slip further into nothing until someone else finally comes clean and tells me it's off and I'm a fucking idiot. I'm waiting for all of this to happen, and at the same time trying to smile and pretend it isn't happening and lying to myself and saying things are something else entirely so that perhaps the law of attraction will work in my favor for once and what I fucking want may actually come.
I'm trying hard every day to appreciate what I do have, which at this point is a trash bag full of clothes and my car. You can't be happy unless you appreciate what you already have! Yeah, I do appreciate it. Because I'm lucky to have a floor to sleep on at night and someones house to shower at occasionally. And you know what bugs me the most about it isn't my actual situation...it's more the fact that certain people who I wish would care and maybe even understand some of the things I'm going through right now DON'T. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me; pity is unnecessary. I just thought it would be nice for one person to see it and just want to listen and nod their head, and maybe give me a hug.
I'm far behind where I should be. And you know if I find out I really am being used, I will have to fucking laugh before I can cry, because I have nothing to give, and someone is still finding life to suck out of me. Fuck everything sometimes. Can't you just say something real to me? Can you explain anything? Maybe even read my mind so I don't have to bring it up...If I implode I'll just drive away and never look back. I'll just turn into someone else and live a lie until I die.
Someone told me recently that my numerology chart was inaccurate because it indicated that I should be bubbly and optimistic. I was actually quite ashamed of myself when they said that. I feel guilty every time I have these moments and write these things. But at the moment almost everything is overly complicated and ugly, and it's hard to find a safe place to just exist and feel okay. I don't want to seem like this sullen girl, who's been broken down and can't regain her happiness. I am very optimistic on the inside. I hold onto hope like a buoy in a raging sea. But I'm so tired of sharing my hopes or accomplishments with people and having them mocked, or having it thrown at me like rotting shit when it doesn't work out that I've started internalizing them all. And although I secretly devote the bulk of my energy to these optimistic wishes, my pessimism exposes itself as I expect the worst possible scenarios to play out. I'm a walking paradox, but I think we all are to some extent. It just seems to me that I keep encountering emotionally crippling situations one after another, and they occur so closely together that I'm being cut again before I've even fully healed from the previous wounds. I'm just waiting for something, someone. I don't even know. Sometimes I think it's a lost cause to expect another being to understand my experience and know some way to help me save myself. I know most people just tell me to get over it, because it's over and no good comes from dwelling. But with the way my mind works, I honestly at times cannot help but allow these events to remain omnipresent. It's more of a reflection, honestly. I don't sit and purposely think of these things and slowly rip my sutures out; I just find myself reflecting on my past, trying to figure out where I messed up so I can prevent my own history from repeating itself.
I don't want to be this way. I don't want people to see me as a depressive psychotic. Very few people truly know me, and I wish I knew how to show the ones who don't who I really am.
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