Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia

Everything is the way is is, because that is the way it is. There is a sort of perfection in the way life exists, in the acceptance of the things that can't be changed. We should appreciate the power of a simple shift in perception, realize that if only people could see things from a slightly different angle, many dilemas would cease to exist. We should assess problems without naming them as such, because in naming someting a problem, you give it power. Acceptance is the most difficult thing to achieve.

Wub Wub Wub Wub!

So I've deleted this blog about five times, and for some reason I always come back and reactivate. Something about interjecting my rambles into the internet makes me feel justified, somehow. I wouldn't even consider this a blog; it's more like a collection of random complaints. People seem to be put of by cynicism, but the way I see it, I can put these negative thoughts here to prevent them from spilling over into my daily life and ruining interactions with others. I am perfectly comfortable with letting strangers across the plasma think that I'm a whining bitch. Who am I kidding, anyways? No one even reads this stupid thing.

Wicked Tight

Thinking anagrams are wicked tight doesn't necessarily mean I want to be wicked tight; one is a descriptor indicating a positive perception of a certain object or concept. In this case, the descriptor, "wicked tight", is used in a postmodern, ironic manner: "wicked" is used because of its seeming obsolescence and unfashionability in the jargon of modern youth culture; "tight" is used ironically because of its seeming relevance and/or fashionability: in juxtaposing the two, I am making a sarcastic statement regarding my enthusiasm for the eddies and currents of popular culture and my perception of the lasting value thereof. But all that is kind of beside the point. Even if I was using "wicked tight" in a straightforward, unironical manner, it wouldn't imply that "wicked tight" was something I wanted to be, only that I found anagrams so. The application of the descriptor "wicked tight" to something as unfashionable as anagrams further heightens the irony.

Hot and Cold.

Today I'm wondering what makes people play hot and cold. One minute someone is all over you, wanting to spend time together or texting all the time, and suddenly you realize that you haven't seen them in ages, haven't even spoken more than a few words to them in weeks. Cosmo always says that when a person pulls back from you, you should pull back as well, and once they're comfortable again, they will return. I believe they call it the 'Rubber Band Effect'.

I actually had a nightmare about this last night. A friend of mine, who has referred to herself as my best friend in the past, has recently disappeared from my life. I honestly can't figure out why. It went from talking on a regular basis and hanging out when we had the time to not speaking at all. I don't know what I did, and I feel like if I ask what the problem is, she's just going to blame the whole situation either on me and some bullshit analysis of my behavior, or she'll give me the same reason she always does when these things happen- Her boyfriend and his sister hate me, even though they've never tried to take the time to get to know me, and they're more important than I am, so she respects their unjustified hatred of me, and refuses to see me out of respect for them. The first sign she's not a good friend lies within- she won't stand up for me at all.

Maybe it's just me, but if my boyfriend told me he hated one of my friends, especially one he hadn't taken the time to get to know, I'd understand that it was his opinion, but that wouldn't stop me from seeing that friend. Especially if the friend didn't ever try to cause problems between us. If I say I'm your friend, then I am your fucking friend. I am fierce when it comes to people I care about. I also believe in balance. Just because you have a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't mean that you suddenly sacrifice every other relationship you have to stick your head up your significant others' ass.

But back to the nightmare I mentioned earlier: Basically in the dream, this friend ended up coming clean about seeing other friends from our past (which I have been slightly paranoid about at random moments), and it was like my past repeating itself in a most horrible way.

It just sucks when you devote time and energy to building a relationship with another and it gets wasted. And the fact that I find human behavior a most difficult subject to understand makes it all the more unsettling. And the only thing in my life that changed that I could see having an effect on this relationship is a new person in my life I've been spending time with. Of course I've talked to her about this new person on occasion, and she seemed fine with it. But once I mentioned her meeting them is when she got weird. And to me it's irrational, because I'm fairly certain she's never met this person, and therefore should have no reason to dislike or be cautious of them.

Barnacles. I just have to shake my head and make my 'polite face', as my step-sister calls it. Humans are hard creatures to understand. And most of the time, the problem with understanding does not stem from a person's complexity, but from lack of it. People who view the world as a shadowbox are endlessly baffling. To shut off one's mind and live as if you're in 2D sounds fundamentally terrifying. People look at things so simply, when nothing is simple. I'm not suggesting that everyone live in a state of constant analysis and dissection, but that people wake up and take the initiative to understand that most things are not what they seem. To understand that we should stop denying ourselves, especially based on the wishes of others.

Psycho babble, straight from the mind of a raging lunatic.

Bitch, bitch, bitch, all I fucking do is bitch. But quite honestly I just need to get this shit out of my head and no one really wants to hear it so it just gets put here, because no one reads this fucking blog anyways. So in essence when I say "people" and "you", I'm just talking to myself. Nice.

Since a particular person can never quite help themselves and keeps asking, "What is your problem?!", since I don't smile constantly, I thought I would just list what's wrong here. At least then I will have something to reference the next time I piss you off for being REALISTIC.

So, "What's wrong?", you ask....

I'm homeless. Luckily I recently found a job, but pretty soon I'll be living in my car in the parking lot. I have become nomadic, wandering aimlessly as I struggle to find a steady place to stop and regain form. The people I wish I could spend time with live far away from where I am trapped; and the people I could be spending time with now are treating me like a dog who pissed on their carpet. I don't know what I did, but fuck you for always doing the same shit to me. And fuck me for always letting it happen.

I am trying pretty diligently to find a place to live at the moment, and have come up with nothing. Can't tell if I'm supposed to be doing this or not. It seems like what I thought was happening isn't going to, because maybe this is one of those fucked up things where you try to help someone in some way, and you do, but end up getting left behind in the process. Thought maybe it was a we thing, and I think it is. I'm just not included in the we, I don't think. None of this makes any fucking sense. I'm on the verge of imploding because I'm tossing these ideas around back and forth over and again trying to decide if I'm supposed to say something about it or just sit here like the fucking fool I obviously am and just let my life continue to slip further into nothing until someone else finally comes clean and tells me it's off and I'm a fucking idiot. I'm waiting for all of this to happen, and at the same time trying to smile and pretend it isn't happening and lying to myself and saying things are something else entirely so that perhaps the law of attraction will work in my favor for once and what I fucking want may actually come.

I'm trying hard every day to appreciate what I do have, which at this point is a trash bag full of clothes and my car. You can't be happy unless you appreciate what you already have! Yeah, I do appreciate it. Because I'm lucky to have a floor to sleep on at night and someones house to shower at occasionally. And you know what bugs me the most about it isn't my actual situation...it's more the fact that certain people who I wish would care and maybe even understand some of the things I'm going through right now DON'T. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me; pity is unnecessary. I just thought it would be nice for one person to see it and just want to listen and nod their head, and maybe give me a hug.

I'm far behind where I should be. And you know if I find out I really am being used, I will have to fucking laugh before I can cry, because I have nothing to give, and someone is still finding life to suck out of me. Fuck everything sometimes. Can't you just say something real to me? Can you explain anything? Maybe even read my mind so I don't have to bring it up...If I implode I'll just drive away and never look back. I'll just turn into someone else and live a lie until I die.

Someone told me recently that my numerology chart was inaccurate because it indicated that I should be bubbly and optimistic. I was actually quite ashamed of myself when they said that. I feel guilty every time I have these moments and write these things. But at the moment almost everything is overly complicated and ugly, and it's hard to find a safe place to just exist and feel okay. I don't want to seem like this sullen girl, who's been broken down and can't regain her happiness. I am very optimistic on the inside. I hold onto hope like a buoy in a raging sea. But I'm so tired of sharing my hopes or accomplishments with people and having them mocked, or having it thrown at me like rotting shit when it doesn't work out that I've started internalizing them all. And although I secretly devote the bulk of my energy to these optimistic wishes, my pessimism exposes itself as I expect the worst possible scenarios to play out. I'm a walking paradox, but I think we all are to some extent. It just seems to me that I keep encountering emotionally crippling situations one after another, and they occur so closely together that I'm being cut again before I've even fully healed from the previous wounds. I'm just waiting for something, someone. I don't even know. Sometimes I think it's a lost cause to expect another being to understand my experience and know some way to help me save myself. I know most people just tell me to get over it, because it's over and no good comes from dwelling. But with the way my mind works, I honestly at times cannot help but allow these events to remain omnipresent. It's more of a reflection, honestly. I don't sit and purposely think of these things and slowly rip my sutures out; I just find myself reflecting on my past, trying to figure out where I messed up so I can prevent my own history from repeating itself.

I don't want to be this way. I don't want people to see me as a depressive psychotic. Very few people truly know me, and I wish I knew how to show the ones who don't who I really am.

She's a life ruiner...

I`m not lonely, I just feel alone. I can`t find the proper words to explain myself. I`m feeling stagnated. There is someone there, but I don`t know how to let them in. It feels like it isn`t real. Like maybe this is temporary, so close to ending before it really begins. There are moments that feel right, but once I`m alone I feel completely surrounded. There is a hole in me; all I need is to find something to fill it. I feel like my chest is imploding; my heart another palpitation away from giving up on me. I feel deadened when I should be feeling slightly alive. I can`t understand why people always expect another to change. One of the worst things a person can say, I feel, is that your problems are on you, and they can`t help or even care to understand you. That you must change to gain their respect, admiration, and love. Can anyone see our flaws and accept them? I don`t think we`re flawed; perhaps misunderstood, even possibly envied in some way. Flaws don`t seem to exist here.

It`s all a silk road to ruin, reduced to fragmented decay left to rot in the sun. Vultures circle and scavenge my remains slowly, until there is nothing left apart from these scattered words and a mummified heart, reduced to dust. I'm a life ruiner, but the only life I'm ruining is my own.

Saudade

Vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist ... a turning towards the past or towards the future.