These are the first 10 songs that came on my iTunes shuffle.
Love Always Remains by MGMT
Brand New Colony by The Postal Service
Negative Space/Priest and the Matador by Senses Fail
#1 Crush by Garbage
I Caught Myself by Paramore
We're in this Together by NIN
Shallow Grave by The Birthday Massacre
The Love Letter by Blaqk Audio
Goes Without Saying by Scary Kds Scaring Kids
Streets on Fire by Lupe Fiasco
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Words That Maketh Murder
If you lend me your eyes, I am certain I could change what you see. We are all wandering around with nooses hanging from our necks. I'll loosen yours if you loosen mine. I'm sorry that I'm wrong, and that I can do nothing for it. I apologize for being unable to express emotion the way you do. It seems to hurt you that I can only mimic what I see of others. It's just that I honestly can never know what look I am supposed to have on my face. I have to concentrate to change the musculature of my face, the tone of my voice, and I can't figure out where my arms are supposed to be. It wouldn't be noticeable if humans didn't posture themselves incessantly.
I can't change what I am; I can only mask it behind copied gestures to make you feel more comfortable. I've never wanted to accept that I am the only one I am running from. I've missed a few of the moments when I should have been moving forward. But maybe someday I will be more to love.
I can't change what I am; I can only mask it behind copied gestures to make you feel more comfortable. I've never wanted to accept that I am the only one I am running from. I've missed a few of the moments when I should have been moving forward. But maybe someday I will be more to love.
Pucker those lips! This kiss comes with a fist...
"We will not capitulate - no, never! We may be destroyed, but if we are, we shall drag a world with us - a world in flames."
- Adolf Hitler
It is good to be honest and direct; it is absolutely critical. Past hurts are difficult; for me, they are almost omnipresent. I think it takes someone special to understand that my reactions are sometimes to things that have happened, not that are happening. I tend to love implicitly, not always overtly; to have expectations, not demands; to hear words, not implications. I seek a conversationalist as well as someone comfortable sitting in silence. I think I guard my mind and soul quite jealously.
I suppose it stems from my black/white world vs. shades of grey. Once I make that decision to let you in, it is all or nothing. On the other hand, once I do this, if things change, my soul will be crushed for a long time. And as I have been run roughshod as many others, it becomes increasingly more difficult to let the barriers down.
To enter into any sort of willing mutual understanding with another, such as surrendering personal space, requires me to possess a great deal of faith and devotion to the other. Comforting habits and patterns will be broken; panic-inducing uncertainty arises; vital control is surrendered; the stability of my inner sanctum is disrupted; my thoughts and feelings are no longer entirely private. This, to me, is fundamentally terrifying. I am entering into life-altering uncertainty, while discarding the very tools I use to remain sane. So basically, I would not be able to throw away these tools on mere frivolity.
I imagine communicating with me is like approaching a timid animal. Progress is most likely slow and hard-won. Show that you are happy and calm, and break eye contact if I look like I may run. If I run, wait calmly for me to return, though I may not return at all. Communication has to be clear without an expectation for an immediate personal reply.
Please, do not hold me responsible for what I ‘should’ have said, or didn’t ‘word right’. Nurture even the smallest disclosure from my lips, because each one represents a world of trust.
I have this ugly tendency to assume the worst of any situation, even if nothing has been said or done to prove my unreasonable theory. It is very easy for me to imagine terrible, awful, horribly bad situations that have very nearly zero probability of being correct. If I seem standoffish it is only because I try to give everyone space. I usually feel like I just bother everyone with my philosophical ramblings about the world, and try to go with “speak only when you’re spoken to”.
Subtleties are literally suffocating to me. Part of the reason I remain so paranoid of what people do and say is my inability to understand subtle hints. When I speak, I am always literal; I assume when others speak, they are literal as well. Because of my inability to understand these coded messages, I am unable to flirt, or to understand when another is flirting. In fact, I have never fully understood the point of flirting. Why don’t people just say precisely what they mean?
I speculate that whatever they say, many women want a man who will drive them to change their perceived faults, not accept them. If you accept their foibles and respond with 110% devotion and loyalty, they will have no motivation to make any effort. I personally see more admiration in someone who is absolutely loyal, honest, devoted, and above all not controlling. What I desire is acceptance. I want someone who can tolerate my quirks, knowing how hellish it would be for me to attempt to change them.
“Normal” people want someone who will transform them. Or assist them in transformation, into the high-status mega-being they feel they are deep down but that has somehow been hidden in the realities of everyday life. They want to be completed, not accepted. E.g. the millions of song lines varying the theme of "I am nothing without you"....
In essence I am, for the most part, a flawed being. Another of my quirks though, I suppose, would be the fact that I am attracted mainly to the so called flaws other beings inhabit. I have a tendency to focus on the negative space surrounding a person rather than the picture sitting directly in front of me. For what would we be without flaws? And who is to decide that our attributes, be them physical, metaphysical, or psychological, are to be considered flaws at all? Perhaps they should be considered preferences, instead.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say. I have difficulty comprehending the point of game-play. If someone causes a physical or emotional reaction somewhere inside you, then express it to them completely and clearly. For instance, if a girl makes you smile and laugh, then tell her, “Hey, you make me smile quite often. And I find that to be an admirable quality.” That is probably a horrible example, but as I seem to be completely incapable of beating around the bush with subtle messages, I can’t even formulate a simple example of one.
The point I am having such difficulty making is that essentially we are all looking for something that maybe only another person can give us. So instead of playing around with hints and weird rules of courtship, just tell people how you honestly feel. Then if that person feels something similar you can do something about it. If not, then you can move on. The rules of relationships have always been lost on me, but I can still see that it is much easier to just come right out with it as soon as you realize what ‘it’ is. And in the process, you may save yourself from the crippling hurt that can arise from months to years of subtly carrying on only to realize that you ended up crossing signals and, in fact, have no idea what you’ve been doing this entire time.
The whole trip of life is fraught with the most exquisite paradox. Nothing is ever as it seems, until you accept that something is not what it seems to be…and then suddenly, it is.
- Adolf Hitler
It is good to be honest and direct; it is absolutely critical. Past hurts are difficult; for me, they are almost omnipresent. I think it takes someone special to understand that my reactions are sometimes to things that have happened, not that are happening. I tend to love implicitly, not always overtly; to have expectations, not demands; to hear words, not implications. I seek a conversationalist as well as someone comfortable sitting in silence. I think I guard my mind and soul quite jealously.
I suppose it stems from my black/white world vs. shades of grey. Once I make that decision to let you in, it is all or nothing. On the other hand, once I do this, if things change, my soul will be crushed for a long time. And as I have been run roughshod as many others, it becomes increasingly more difficult to let the barriers down.
To enter into any sort of willing mutual understanding with another, such as surrendering personal space, requires me to possess a great deal of faith and devotion to the other. Comforting habits and patterns will be broken; panic-inducing uncertainty arises; vital control is surrendered; the stability of my inner sanctum is disrupted; my thoughts and feelings are no longer entirely private. This, to me, is fundamentally terrifying. I am entering into life-altering uncertainty, while discarding the very tools I use to remain sane. So basically, I would not be able to throw away these tools on mere frivolity.
I imagine communicating with me is like approaching a timid animal. Progress is most likely slow and hard-won. Show that you are happy and calm, and break eye contact if I look like I may run. If I run, wait calmly for me to return, though I may not return at all. Communication has to be clear without an expectation for an immediate personal reply.
Please, do not hold me responsible for what I ‘should’ have said, or didn’t ‘word right’. Nurture even the smallest disclosure from my lips, because each one represents a world of trust.
I have this ugly tendency to assume the worst of any situation, even if nothing has been said or done to prove my unreasonable theory. It is very easy for me to imagine terrible, awful, horribly bad situations that have very nearly zero probability of being correct. If I seem standoffish it is only because I try to give everyone space. I usually feel like I just bother everyone with my philosophical ramblings about the world, and try to go with “speak only when you’re spoken to”.
Subtleties are literally suffocating to me. Part of the reason I remain so paranoid of what people do and say is my inability to understand subtle hints. When I speak, I am always literal; I assume when others speak, they are literal as well. Because of my inability to understand these coded messages, I am unable to flirt, or to understand when another is flirting. In fact, I have never fully understood the point of flirting. Why don’t people just say precisely what they mean?
I speculate that whatever they say, many women want a man who will drive them to change their perceived faults, not accept them. If you accept their foibles and respond with 110% devotion and loyalty, they will have no motivation to make any effort. I personally see more admiration in someone who is absolutely loyal, honest, devoted, and above all not controlling. What I desire is acceptance. I want someone who can tolerate my quirks, knowing how hellish it would be for me to attempt to change them.
“Normal” people want someone who will transform them. Or assist them in transformation, into the high-status mega-being they feel they are deep down but that has somehow been hidden in the realities of everyday life. They want to be completed, not accepted. E.g. the millions of song lines varying the theme of "I am nothing without you"....
In essence I am, for the most part, a flawed being. Another of my quirks though, I suppose, would be the fact that I am attracted mainly to the so called flaws other beings inhabit. I have a tendency to focus on the negative space surrounding a person rather than the picture sitting directly in front of me. For what would we be without flaws? And who is to decide that our attributes, be them physical, metaphysical, or psychological, are to be considered flaws at all? Perhaps they should be considered preferences, instead.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say. I have difficulty comprehending the point of game-play. If someone causes a physical or emotional reaction somewhere inside you, then express it to them completely and clearly. For instance, if a girl makes you smile and laugh, then tell her, “Hey, you make me smile quite often. And I find that to be an admirable quality.” That is probably a horrible example, but as I seem to be completely incapable of beating around the bush with subtle messages, I can’t even formulate a simple example of one.
The point I am having such difficulty making is that essentially we are all looking for something that maybe only another person can give us. So instead of playing around with hints and weird rules of courtship, just tell people how you honestly feel. Then if that person feels something similar you can do something about it. If not, then you can move on. The rules of relationships have always been lost on me, but I can still see that it is much easier to just come right out with it as soon as you realize what ‘it’ is. And in the process, you may save yourself from the crippling hurt that can arise from months to years of subtly carrying on only to realize that you ended up crossing signals and, in fact, have no idea what you’ve been doing this entire time.
The whole trip of life is fraught with the most exquisite paradox. Nothing is ever as it seems, until you accept that something is not what it seems to be…and then suddenly, it is.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
So I tried to write something that rhymed last night, and oh geez was it horrible! I couldn't keep a rhythm; it just went on with no order or reason. I think I try to hard. In fact, I think my writing sucks when I try at all. My best moments usually happen when I'm just doing it for the hell of it. But here's my sucky rhyming anyways:
Your words have the power to draw fire from my lips, the deepest of desire. This is subliminal, perhaps unforgivable. Transmission signals to unscramble the riddles. The liar, the honest, an inevitable conquest. Don't be so sad to be raving mad. It's a gift of the mind, so excuse me if I seem disinclined to medicate what can't be aided with an orthodox solution that's bought, not traded. You're jaded, faded, too often persuaded. Can't dream in color when you've been sedated. So erase your pain and fill the holes with the knowledge that you control nothing and no one besides yourself. So take in a breath and open your eyes. See the truth in your lies, take the fall with the rise. To ruin hope is to be despised.
Your words have the power to draw fire from my lips, the deepest of desire. This is subliminal, perhaps unforgivable. Transmission signals to unscramble the riddles. The liar, the honest, an inevitable conquest. Don't be so sad to be raving mad. It's a gift of the mind, so excuse me if I seem disinclined to medicate what can't be aided with an orthodox solution that's bought, not traded. You're jaded, faded, too often persuaded. Can't dream in color when you've been sedated. So erase your pain and fill the holes with the knowledge that you control nothing and no one besides yourself. So take in a breath and open your eyes. See the truth in your lies, take the fall with the rise. To ruin hope is to be despised.
Another Song
Something I Can Never Have by NIN
Listen Here
No lyrics for this one. Instead I'm including my own personal analysis. Basically, I think when most people hear this song they think that when he says he wants something he can never have, he's referring to his lost lover.
But for me, I feel like he's saying he wants peace, which is something he feels he can never have. And this one person he used to have could give him that, and now he's lost it all.
Which, I mean, all songs are open to interpretation, which is why music is so amazing. I think I infer this meaning because, above all things, I wish for someone to bring me peace. And sometimes I do feel like it's something I can never have.
But listen to the song, because it's wonderful. (especially the remastered version, which I linked up top.)
Listen Here
No lyrics for this one. Instead I'm including my own personal analysis. Basically, I think when most people hear this song they think that when he says he wants something he can never have, he's referring to his lost lover.
But for me, I feel like he's saying he wants peace, which is something he feels he can never have. And this one person he used to have could give him that, and now he's lost it all.
Which, I mean, all songs are open to interpretation, which is why music is so amazing. I think I infer this meaning because, above all things, I wish for someone to bring me peace. And sometimes I do feel like it's something I can never have.
But listen to the song, because it's wonderful. (especially the remastered version, which I linked up top.)
It's not a crack hole, it's a rat hole!
I'm kind of feeling like a dog who pissed on the rug. Like I'm being routinely ignored until the better things pass and I'm all that's left again. I'm also fairly certain that this isn't the case, but that doesn't stop me from thinking it. I'm alone with my thoughts far too often. And without someone other than myself to hold them down and talk sense into them, they just keep running wild and they create their own conclusions.
I'd hold your string if you'd hold mine. Or we could just float away together.
I'd hold your string if you'd hold mine. Or we could just float away together.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Song of the Day 4
Okay, I Feel Better Now by AFI
Listen Here
Lyrics:
There is nothing to me.
There is nothing though there was a time
I had felt elation before all sensation died.
I cannot breathe.
I can't deny that I've been feigning,
for you, every vital sign defied.
This means nothing to me.
This means nothing so spare me the lies.
I deny you sympathy just as I have been denied.
I cannot breathe.
I can't deny that I've been faking,
for you, every sign of life.
I died for the last lie,
and the heartbreak for the first time,
I could not take til I made you cry.
This is what you taught me.
This is what you taught - and I learned well -
to recognize that feeling easily can be dispelled.
Show your wounds I'm bored with mine.
Nothing is new.
Don't despair I rarely cry.
Oh my dear please dry your eyes.
Who could harm you?
To hurt you is to be despised, as I'd love to.
Listen Here
Lyrics:
There is nothing to me.
There is nothing though there was a time
I had felt elation before all sensation died.
I cannot breathe.
I can't deny that I've been feigning,
for you, every vital sign defied.
This means nothing to me.
This means nothing so spare me the lies.
I deny you sympathy just as I have been denied.
I cannot breathe.
I can't deny that I've been faking,
for you, every sign of life.
I died for the last lie,
and the heartbreak for the first time,
I could not take til I made you cry.
This is what you taught me.
This is what you taught - and I learned well -
to recognize that feeling easily can be dispelled.
Show your wounds I'm bored with mine.
Nothing is new.
Don't despair I rarely cry.
Oh my dear please dry your eyes.
Who could harm you?
To hurt you is to be despised, as I'd love to.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Song of the Day 3
The World At Large by Modest Mouse
Listen Here!
Lyrics:
Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day,
to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.
Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well float on maybe would you understand?
The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The days get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.
I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?
The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.
I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.
Listen Here!
Lyrics:
Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day,
to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.
Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well float on maybe would you understand?
The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The days get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.
I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?
The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.
I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Upload and Explode
Life is sort of like looking into one of those framed puzzles where you have to focus on the blurry dots of color to find an image. It's all supposed to come in this neat little package framed for perfection. You look at the dots and piece them together to see what your life will be. Mine changes every time I look at it.
It's as if there is a little monster inside me, and every now and then I get bitten. The poison pollutes everything in me and everything I touch. I'm the opposite of an ambulance; I carry portable disaster.
People always want to know how I can be so pessimistic. I just say it's hard to look on the bright side when you've been in the dark so long that the sun burns your eyes. It's like animals who adapt to their surroundings. I've learned to adapt to mine.
But honestly, for all the downers I unload on the world, I see so much beauty that sometimes I can't take it all. Sometimes I'm like the kid who filmed the plastic bag in American Beauty.
But the world can be so wrong at times, and it hurts even more when it seems that others don't see it. Like people look without really seeing. But maybe I'm the one who is really blind. Is it some sort of defect in me that I can't ignore these things; that I can't be happy pretending everything is okay? And these thoughts get put down here, because no one wants to hear these things. That, I've learned. So I just wander until maybe I find someone else who gets it. And if not, then I guess the defect really does rest in me.
It's as if there is a little monster inside me, and every now and then I get bitten. The poison pollutes everything in me and everything I touch. I'm the opposite of an ambulance; I carry portable disaster.
People always want to know how I can be so pessimistic. I just say it's hard to look on the bright side when you've been in the dark so long that the sun burns your eyes. It's like animals who adapt to their surroundings. I've learned to adapt to mine.
But honestly, for all the downers I unload on the world, I see so much beauty that sometimes I can't take it all. Sometimes I'm like the kid who filmed the plastic bag in American Beauty.
But the world can be so wrong at times, and it hurts even more when it seems that others don't see it. Like people look without really seeing. But maybe I'm the one who is really blind. Is it some sort of defect in me that I can't ignore these things; that I can't be happy pretending everything is okay? And these thoughts get put down here, because no one wants to hear these things. That, I've learned. So I just wander until maybe I find someone else who gets it. And if not, then I guess the defect really does rest in me.
I'm a cookie, mother fucker!
Trying to be genuine can be harder than it seems. But our scars might not be so hidden if we could muster the courage to look one another in the eyes. Somehow we all get trapped inside our egos. If we could break those barriers, something beautiful might happen. We might see each other for who we really are. But isn't that the most frightening possibility? To be completely exposed, and for someone to evaluate what they see? And if we are fortunate enough to find some level of acceptance, where do we go from there? I am constantly convincing myself that I will ruin everything. I think, "Well, they seem to accept me now. But I know once they see a little more beyond the veil, they'll realize this was a mistake."
I've been told I polarize myself. By being who I feel I truly am, I am polarizing, and therefore isolating myself. But shouldn't this be true of everyone, if it is, in fact, truth? I'm told to change and polarize in a different direction. I need to reside on the more accepted side of the spectrum. But the people who tell me these things don't realize that they are the ones who can't break through their own polarized position. It is a paradox.
They see the sides of me, of everyone and everything, and view it all from their polarized position. And the simple fact that they project their position onto others shows me that they want everyone to be like them. But no one is like anyone else, so it is a waste of energy to even promote the idea.
How does it feel to be different? We're all different. Yet we all find people who accept us as we are. But don't we still keep parts of ourselves closed down? Do we still hide the aspects of ourselves that make us feel uncertain? To take that plunge, to show another being everything inside of you, is a most frightening thing, is it not? But to show yourself in your entirety, and to find a mirror in another, and to accept not only your reflection but theirs as well seems like a beautiful thing.
Who am I to speculate? I have yet to explore all of my deepest truths, and all out of fear. Pure trepidation. And paranoia. How do you release yourself from the paranoia? How do you get past the things that have happened and not ruin the here and now by being endlessly paranoid about all the maybes?
There isn't even a future. There's just here and now. And being here and now in these moments is all that matters. The idea of the future changes all the time. And the past can never change. So here and now is the chance. And we should take it.
I've been told I polarize myself. By being who I feel I truly am, I am polarizing, and therefore isolating myself. But shouldn't this be true of everyone, if it is, in fact, truth? I'm told to change and polarize in a different direction. I need to reside on the more accepted side of the spectrum. But the people who tell me these things don't realize that they are the ones who can't break through their own polarized position. It is a paradox.
They see the sides of me, of everyone and everything, and view it all from their polarized position. And the simple fact that they project their position onto others shows me that they want everyone to be like them. But no one is like anyone else, so it is a waste of energy to even promote the idea.
How does it feel to be different? We're all different. Yet we all find people who accept us as we are. But don't we still keep parts of ourselves closed down? Do we still hide the aspects of ourselves that make us feel uncertain? To take that plunge, to show another being everything inside of you, is a most frightening thing, is it not? But to show yourself in your entirety, and to find a mirror in another, and to accept not only your reflection but theirs as well seems like a beautiful thing.
Who am I to speculate? I have yet to explore all of my deepest truths, and all out of fear. Pure trepidation. And paranoia. How do you release yourself from the paranoia? How do you get past the things that have happened and not ruin the here and now by being endlessly paranoid about all the maybes?
There isn't even a future. There's just here and now. And being here and now in these moments is all that matters. The idea of the future changes all the time. And the past can never change. So here and now is the chance. And we should take it.
Click those rubies...you don't want them near this one.
I have a very low tolerance for stupid people. Now, I don't claim to have a higher intellect or range of wisdom over anyone else. But I can still see when someone is a complete idiot, and it pisses me off. And usually, it pisses me off because they don't listen. If people would listen and at least attempt to comprehend what others are saying, the world would be a much easier place to live in. But usually someone opens their mouth to express how they feel at a particular moment about a particular topic and everyone hears them, only no one is listening. My father is a perfect example of this phenomenon.
He taught me to lie when I was a child. He needed me to lie to my mother so she wouldn't find out he was having an affair. So along with a list of other demeaning and practically debilitating things that my father did, he told me that if my mother found out about his affair it would be my fault, and she wouldn't love me anymore. So, being a little kid, I panicked and kept all of his secrets bottled up inside.
After 23 years of enduring emotional and verbal abuse from not only my father, but his wife of 8 years as well, I finally had to remove myself from the situation. I realized that after all these years of fighting for him to treat me the way a father should treat a daughter, the situation had only become more unstable and unhealthy.
Leading psychologists say that fathers generally have as much or more impact as mothers do in the following areas of their daughters’ lives: (1) achieving academic and career success—especially in math and science (2) creating a loving, trusting relationship with a man (3) dealing well with people in authority—especially men (4) Being self-confident and self-reliant (5) Being willing to try new things and to accept challenges (6) Maintaining good mental health (no clinical depression, eating disorders, or chronic anxiety) (7) Expressing anger comfortably and appropriately—especially with men.
The impact my father left on me in those general areas is practically crippling. I am socially anxious, even around my closest friends. In the past 23 years, the things he has done and said have left me feeling so completely worthless that I find it impossible to believe that any member of the opposite sex would ever want to have anything to do with me. My depression at times leaves me sitting in bewilderment, feeling lost and confused and afraid of talking to anyone. Self confidence? What the fuck is that? Express anger? I feel like I can’t express anything.
So now medication becomes routine. And yes, I know you're sitting there wondering why I just don't get over it and live my life. I've been trying. I feel at times that it would be better if my father had died. To see the hatred in his eyes when he looks at me. To hear the disdain in his voice when he speaks to me. To see the actions directed at me from his wife and step children have no effect on him. I just don't understand what makes a parent feel such animosity toward their child.
So thanks, 'Dad'.
He taught me to lie when I was a child. He needed me to lie to my mother so she wouldn't find out he was having an affair. So along with a list of other demeaning and practically debilitating things that my father did, he told me that if my mother found out about his affair it would be my fault, and she wouldn't love me anymore. So, being a little kid, I panicked and kept all of his secrets bottled up inside.
After 23 years of enduring emotional and verbal abuse from not only my father, but his wife of 8 years as well, I finally had to remove myself from the situation. I realized that after all these years of fighting for him to treat me the way a father should treat a daughter, the situation had only become more unstable and unhealthy.
Leading psychologists say that fathers generally have as much or more impact as mothers do in the following areas of their daughters’ lives: (1) achieving academic and career success—especially in math and science (2) creating a loving, trusting relationship with a man (3) dealing well with people in authority—especially men (4) Being self-confident and self-reliant (5) Being willing to try new things and to accept challenges (6) Maintaining good mental health (no clinical depression, eating disorders, or chronic anxiety) (7) Expressing anger comfortably and appropriately—especially with men.
The impact my father left on me in those general areas is practically crippling. I am socially anxious, even around my closest friends. In the past 23 years, the things he has done and said have left me feeling so completely worthless that I find it impossible to believe that any member of the opposite sex would ever want to have anything to do with me. My depression at times leaves me sitting in bewilderment, feeling lost and confused and afraid of talking to anyone. Self confidence? What the fuck is that? Express anger? I feel like I can’t express anything.
So now medication becomes routine. And yes, I know you're sitting there wondering why I just don't get over it and live my life. I've been trying. I feel at times that it would be better if my father had died. To see the hatred in his eyes when he looks at me. To hear the disdain in his voice when he speaks to me. To see the actions directed at me from his wife and step children have no effect on him. I just don't understand what makes a parent feel such animosity toward their child.
So thanks, 'Dad'.
Song of the Day 2
Tear You Apart by She Wants Revenge
Listen Here!
Lyrics:
Got a big plan, his mind's set, maybe it's right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
In a whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait never mind
Late night, in passing, mention it flip to her
Best friend, it's no thing, maybe it slipped
but the slip turns to terror and a crush to like
when she walked in he froze up, leave it to fright
It's cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
escape was just a nod and a casual wave
Obsess about it, heavy for the next two days
It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow
I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right
I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart
Then he walked up and told her, thinking maybe it'd pass
And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare
They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you're dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last
Either way he wanted her and this was bad
Wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her
I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right
I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I wanna fucking tear you apart
Listen Here!
Lyrics:
Got a big plan, his mind's set, maybe it's right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
In a whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait never mind
Late night, in passing, mention it flip to her
Best friend, it's no thing, maybe it slipped
but the slip turns to terror and a crush to like
when she walked in he froze up, leave it to fright
It's cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
escape was just a nod and a casual wave
Obsess about it, heavy for the next two days
It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow
I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right
I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart
Then he walked up and told her, thinking maybe it'd pass
And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare
They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you're dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last
Either way he wanted her and this was bad
Wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her
I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right
I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I wanna fucking tear you apart
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Stars
I found this hidden in the deep recesses of a sketch book. I wrote it years ago, but oh well. A couple of the sentences at least are worth sharing.
"A shooting star passed over me and I was tangled in regret. I never wished upon that star. I only thought of you. This shooting star in a darkened sky where a full moon was lit. I stood on the edge, looked over the fence, and thought to jump. What would happen if I fell? Would you be there to catch me? How do you catch what doesn't exist? I am nothing but a faded glimpse of an otherworldly love that had never transcended. This light passes through, but not into me. All seems lost.
I was thrown into the sky by the heavens and then fell into the earth. I possessed no soul for saving, no heart for breaking. That shooting star passed beyond my reach and I tried so hard to feel its pulse that I jumped right over the edge. So I did fall until falling stopped and the glow surrounded city lights.
I died in the arms of this shooting star where no heart sought to feel. I died in the arms of a ghost I knew who knew me to never be real."
Now that I've typed it up I feel ashamed of it. Human emotion is so frustrating, yet ever so satisfying.
"A shooting star passed over me and I was tangled in regret. I never wished upon that star. I only thought of you. This shooting star in a darkened sky where a full moon was lit. I stood on the edge, looked over the fence, and thought to jump. What would happen if I fell? Would you be there to catch me? How do you catch what doesn't exist? I am nothing but a faded glimpse of an otherworldly love that had never transcended. This light passes through, but not into me. All seems lost.
I was thrown into the sky by the heavens and then fell into the earth. I possessed no soul for saving, no heart for breaking. That shooting star passed beyond my reach and I tried so hard to feel its pulse that I jumped right over the edge. So I did fall until falling stopped and the glow surrounded city lights.
I died in the arms of this shooting star where no heart sought to feel. I died in the arms of a ghost I knew who knew me to never be real."
Now that I've typed it up I feel ashamed of it. Human emotion is so frustrating, yet ever so satisfying.
End Dead
Depression: an unwarranted and prolonged condition of emotional dejection.
Anxiety: distress or uneasiness of mind caused by the fear of danger or misfortune. State of apprehension and psychic tension.
People only see what they are prepared to see.
White Horse: linked to instinct, purity, and the drive of the physical body to release powerful and emotional forces, like rage with ensuing chaos and destruction.
Random acts of mindlessness.
Commonplace occurrences.
Chances and surprises.
Another state of consciousness.
Anxiety: distress or uneasiness of mind caused by the fear of danger or misfortune. State of apprehension and psychic tension.
People only see what they are prepared to see.
White Horse: linked to instinct, purity, and the drive of the physical body to release powerful and emotional forces, like rage with ensuing chaos and destruction.
Random acts of mindlessness.
Commonplace occurrences.
Chances and surprises.
Another state of consciousness.
Hmm
Is death really just an inevitable piece of the future, or is it already a convoluted thing of the past? Sometimes I honestly can't tell. Maybe we're all just slowly falling from the sky. The leftover ash of some cosmic explosion. Like fireworks exploding in the sky. The beauty is brilliant, and the fall will be fantastic.
Perhaps the true privilege of the dead is that they simply die no more. Hmm...
Perhaps the true privilege of the dead is that they simply die no more. Hmm...
Song of the Day
Remember Me by The Birthday Massacre
Listen Here!
Lyrics:
It's safe to say I'm lonely now
A place called home
Is just a memory away
I know I've done this all before
A thousand silent voices
Begging me to stay
Apologies all left unsaid
Secrets better left unspoken
Dreams are slowly put to bed
Rumors stirred and reawoken
If I try to get away
How long until I'm free?
And if I don't come back here
Will you remember me?
It's safe to say there's nothing now
It's all so quiet but I
Can't forget the sound
A thousand voices call my name
A thousand hands that
Pull me back down to the ground
I turn away from what you are
Denying all that you have given
I find a place that's safe and far
In time all will be forgiven
If I try to get away
How long until I'm free?
And if I don't come back here
Will you remember me?
Listen Here!
Lyrics:
It's safe to say I'm lonely now
A place called home
Is just a memory away
I know I've done this all before
A thousand silent voices
Begging me to stay
Apologies all left unsaid
Secrets better left unspoken
Dreams are slowly put to bed
Rumors stirred and reawoken
If I try to get away
How long until I'm free?
And if I don't come back here
Will you remember me?
It's safe to say there's nothing now
It's all so quiet but I
Can't forget the sound
A thousand voices call my name
A thousand hands that
Pull me back down to the ground
I turn away from what you are
Denying all that you have given
I find a place that's safe and far
In time all will be forgiven
If I try to get away
How long until I'm free?
And if I don't come back here
Will you remember me?
Monday, March 21, 2011
Out of confused anger...
How could anyone blame themselves when it so easy to just point it all at someone like me? I have never claimed to understand. I've never claimed to know anything about life. I have walked with my head down for 23 years. I don't want to be involved. I have been quietly mastering my own mind, my own spirit. I don't want to know. And when I do, I pick my head up purposefully and inquire. So why do these other wandering beings feel it so powerfully necessary to try and lift my veil and take a deep gaze of false knowing into me, and then shit on everything I stand on?
How am I expected to continue on my own destined path in the pursuit of personal enlightenment when I am told and shown every single day how wretchedly I am perceived by the beings I am bending over backwards to avoid? My mind is mine, so why should anyone else care so much? I am a threat to no one but myself. And if what I behold is so terribly deviant that I must be continuously directed toward the normalcy of society then why doesn't everyone just back off and allow me to silently self destruct?
If I can be content with who I am and what I perceive of myself then why can't someone else? Why is it me who is asked to change? Can they not fathom the idea of changing themselves? Do people even use their gift of thought to consider anything more than self-centered, self-serving, materialistic, masochistic ideas of plastic existence? What about me could be so horrible that you would rather see me dead than see me as I truly am?
Am I even making a point? Do I have anything valid to say?Am I really as I perceive myself to be? Maybe the rest of the human race is working to exterminate minds like mine because I am a version of nature vs. nurture that has resulted as nothing more than a perverse, intensely darkened version of everyone else. That sort of chemistry is what created masters like Bundy. Perhaps because I call Bundy a master, while everyone else calls him a monster.
And do not mistake this for self pity. I do not consider myself a victim of anyone other than myself. I just want to know what gives people the notion that judgement and intolerance is the way to go.
How am I expected to continue on my own destined path in the pursuit of personal enlightenment when I am told and shown every single day how wretchedly I am perceived by the beings I am bending over backwards to avoid? My mind is mine, so why should anyone else care so much? I am a threat to no one but myself. And if what I behold is so terribly deviant that I must be continuously directed toward the normalcy of society then why doesn't everyone just back off and allow me to silently self destruct?
If I can be content with who I am and what I perceive of myself then why can't someone else? Why is it me who is asked to change? Can they not fathom the idea of changing themselves? Do people even use their gift of thought to consider anything more than self-centered, self-serving, materialistic, masochistic ideas of plastic existence? What about me could be so horrible that you would rather see me dead than see me as I truly am?
Am I even making a point? Do I have anything valid to say?Am I really as I perceive myself to be? Maybe the rest of the human race is working to exterminate minds like mine because I am a version of nature vs. nurture that has resulted as nothing more than a perverse, intensely darkened version of everyone else. That sort of chemistry is what created masters like Bundy. Perhaps because I call Bundy a master, while everyone else calls him a monster.
And do not mistake this for self pity. I do not consider myself a victim of anyone other than myself. I just want to know what gives people the notion that judgement and intolerance is the way to go.
Desire
He was found dark, something not quite the same. Once condemned to happiness, he now endures the sting of the needle that impairs this once beating heart. Should one find it strange that this stinging pain brings more life to a boy than the warmth of happiness? The medicated smiles glaring down at him provide the ammunition to elude this falseness. He once believed in love, and now the mundane repetition of unrequited love rings in his ears, and the tone is deafening. Where do the memories go that we no longer choose to remember? These tears his cries have come to late for all the lies they told him. The hurt, the blame.
He waits impatiently for the earth to shift so the seasons may change. The bright white truth of winter burns his eyes, and senses run numb in the bitter cold. He would rather have died than to see the hate in their eyes and know that he was the source of it. Wind blows his hair in his eyes, and for the first time he does no see the face of a God, so unfairly lit by the flames of desire.
He waits impatiently for the earth to shift so the seasons may change. The bright white truth of winter burns his eyes, and senses run numb in the bitter cold. He would rather have died than to see the hate in their eyes and know that he was the source of it. Wind blows his hair in his eyes, and for the first time he does no see the face of a God, so unfairly lit by the flames of desire.
The Black
If you could spill the brink of silence, you'd find it here. I'm hidden because they make me, and now I can't let it go. Is that girl sitting over there clueless to my direction? Is she forgiven of what she's done and I'm not? Is that why she walks as if she's water and talks like there is something more, better, while I sit remembering a never born world?
If you could lend me your mind you might be scared. Scared to find that black is no costume here. Is that man over there just wondering as I am? Or is he gone, far from what I could hope today? Is he staring at me thinking, "What is there besides herself?" Or is he wanting me to transform into something that could save him?
Are we really just passing through, pawns of some greater plan, given this horrible gift of thought; of freewill and pain. Are we given them as if a joke so that someone else can say. "God, look what we've made. A beautiful chaos that will die in days. A place where you can lose yourself, where everything you create becomes the truth. and no one really connects."
But if we could see as well as we look, maybe there could be some sort of clarity. Maybe then there would be no tragedy, but another day to keep going on, and there's nothing we can do. If we could, I'd cry to you. I'd say, "Hey, it's paradise today. Let's go outside."
Because white turns to yellow, but black can swallow you instead. And we swim with stars instead of burning- your righteous white and blaring burning. I'll prefer the black today.
If you could lend me your mind you might be scared. Scared to find that black is no costume here. Is that man over there just wondering as I am? Or is he gone, far from what I could hope today? Is he staring at me thinking, "What is there besides herself?" Or is he wanting me to transform into something that could save him?
Are we really just passing through, pawns of some greater plan, given this horrible gift of thought; of freewill and pain. Are we given them as if a joke so that someone else can say. "God, look what we've made. A beautiful chaos that will die in days. A place where you can lose yourself, where everything you create becomes the truth. and no one really connects."
But if we could see as well as we look, maybe there could be some sort of clarity. Maybe then there would be no tragedy, but another day to keep going on, and there's nothing we can do. If we could, I'd cry to you. I'd say, "Hey, it's paradise today. Let's go outside."
Because white turns to yellow, but black can swallow you instead. And we swim with stars instead of burning- your righteous white and blaring burning. I'll prefer the black today.
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