"We will not capitulate - no, never! We may be destroyed, but if we are, we shall drag a world with us - a world in flames."
- Adolf Hitler
It is good to be honest and direct; it is absolutely critical. Past hurts are difficult; for me, they are almost omnipresent. I think it takes someone special to understand that my reactions are sometimes to things that have happened, not that are happening. I tend to love implicitly, not always overtly; to have expectations, not demands; to hear words, not implications. I seek a conversationalist as well as someone comfortable sitting in silence. I think I guard my mind and soul quite jealously.
I suppose it stems from my black/white world vs. shades of grey. Once I make that decision to let you in, it is all or nothing. On the other hand, once I do this, if things change, my soul will be crushed for a long time. And as I have been run roughshod as many others, it becomes increasingly more difficult to let the barriers down.
To enter into any sort of willing mutual understanding with another, such as surrendering personal space, requires me to possess a great deal of faith and devotion to the other. Comforting habits and patterns will be broken; panic-inducing uncertainty arises; vital control is surrendered; the stability of my inner sanctum is disrupted; my thoughts and feelings are no longer entirely private. This, to me, is fundamentally terrifying. I am entering into life-altering uncertainty, while discarding the very tools I use to remain sane. So basically, I would not be able to throw away these tools on mere frivolity.
I imagine communicating with me is like approaching a timid animal. Progress is most likely slow and hard-won. Show that you are happy and calm, and break eye contact if I look like I may run. If I run, wait calmly for me to return, though I may not return at all. Communication has to be clear without an expectation for an immediate personal reply.
Please, do not hold me responsible for what I ‘should’ have said, or didn’t ‘word right’. Nurture even the smallest disclosure from my lips, because each one represents a world of trust.
I have this ugly tendency to assume the worst of any situation, even if nothing has been said or done to prove my unreasonable theory. It is very easy for me to imagine terrible, awful, horribly bad situations that have very nearly zero probability of being correct. If I seem standoffish it is only because I try to give everyone space. I usually feel like I just bother everyone with my philosophical ramblings about the world, and try to go with “speak only when you’re spoken to”.
Subtleties are literally suffocating to me. Part of the reason I remain so paranoid of what people do and say is my inability to understand subtle hints. When I speak, I am always literal; I assume when others speak, they are literal as well. Because of my inability to understand these coded messages, I am unable to flirt, or to understand when another is flirting. In fact, I have never fully understood the point of flirting. Why don’t people just say precisely what they mean?
I speculate that whatever they say, many women want a man who will drive them to change their perceived faults, not accept them. If you accept their foibles and respond with 110% devotion and loyalty, they will have no motivation to make any effort. I personally see more admiration in someone who is absolutely loyal, honest, devoted, and above all not controlling. What I desire is acceptance. I want someone who can tolerate my quirks, knowing how hellish it would be for me to attempt to change them.
“Normal” people want someone who will transform them. Or assist them in transformation, into the high-status mega-being they feel they are deep down but that has somehow been hidden in the realities of everyday life. They want to be completed, not accepted. E.g. the millions of song lines varying the theme of "I am nothing without you"....
In essence I am, for the most part, a flawed being. Another of my quirks though, I suppose, would be the fact that I am attracted mainly to the so called flaws other beings inhabit. I have a tendency to focus on the negative space surrounding a person rather than the picture sitting directly in front of me. For what would we be without flaws? And who is to decide that our attributes, be them physical, metaphysical, or psychological, are to be considered flaws at all? Perhaps they should be considered preferences, instead.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say. I have difficulty comprehending the point of game-play. If someone causes a physical or emotional reaction somewhere inside you, then express it to them completely and clearly. For instance, if a girl makes you smile and laugh, then tell her, “Hey, you make me smile quite often. And I find that to be an admirable quality.” That is probably a horrible example, but as I seem to be completely incapable of beating around the bush with subtle messages, I can’t even formulate a simple example of one.
The point I am having such difficulty making is that essentially we are all looking for something that maybe only another person can give us. So instead of playing around with hints and weird rules of courtship, just tell people how you honestly feel. Then if that person feels something similar you can do something about it. If not, then you can move on. The rules of relationships have always been lost on me, but I can still see that it is much easier to just come right out with it as soon as you realize what ‘it’ is. And in the process, you may save yourself from the crippling hurt that can arise from months to years of subtly carrying on only to realize that you ended up crossing signals and, in fact, have no idea what you’ve been doing this entire time.
The whole trip of life is fraught with the most exquisite paradox. Nothing is ever as it seems, until you accept that something is not what it seems to be…and then suddenly, it is.
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