Click those rubies...you don't want them near this one.

I have a very low tolerance for stupid people. Now, I don't claim to have a higher intellect or range of wisdom over anyone else. But I can still see when someone is a complete idiot, and it pisses me off. And usually, it pisses me off because they don't listen. If people would listen and at least attempt to comprehend what others are saying, the world would be a much easier place to live in. But usually someone opens their mouth to express how they feel at a particular moment about a particular topic and everyone hears them, only no one is listening. My father is a perfect example of this phenomenon.

He taught me to lie when I was a child. He needed me to lie to my mother so she wouldn't find out he was having an affair. So along with a list of other demeaning and practically debilitating things that my father did, he told me that if my mother found out about his affair it would be my fault, and she wouldn't love me anymore. So, being a little kid, I panicked and kept all of his secrets bottled up inside.

After 23 years of enduring emotional and verbal abuse from not only my father, but his wife of 8 years as well, I finally had to remove myself from the situation. I realized that after all these years of fighting for him to treat me the way a father should treat a daughter, the situation had only become more unstable and unhealthy.

Leading psychologists say that fathers generally have as much or more impact as mothers do in the following areas of their daughters’ lives: (1) achieving academic and career success—especially in math and science (2) creating a loving, trusting relationship with a man (3) dealing well with people in authority—especially men (4) Being self-confident and self-reliant (5) Being willing to try new things and to accept challenges (6) Maintaining good mental health (no clinical depression, eating disorders, or chronic anxiety) (7) Expressing anger comfortably and appropriately—especially with men.

The impact my father left on me in those general areas is practically crippling. I am socially anxious, even around my closest friends. In the past 23 years, the things he has done and said have left me feeling so completely worthless that I find it impossible to believe that any member of the opposite sex would ever want to have anything to do with me. My depression at times leaves me sitting in bewilderment, feeling lost and confused and afraid of talking to anyone. Self confidence? What the fuck is that? Express anger? I feel like I can’t express anything.

So now medication becomes routine. And yes, I know you're sitting there wondering why I just don't get over it and live my life. I've been trying. I feel at times that it would be better if my father had died. To see the hatred in his eyes when he looks at me. To hear the disdain in his voice when he speaks to me. To see the actions directed at me from his wife and step children have no effect on him. I just don't understand what makes a parent feel such animosity toward their child.

So thanks, 'Dad'.