I just came to another realization. I have a tendency to become too comfortable with a person at a given moment, and end up saying too much and scaring the hell out of them- I need to work on that.

And another realization has to do with my intense fear of rejection. I have come to understand that although I do fear being rejected, I find more fear in the possibility of acceptance. If someone accepts me exactly as I am, with all my neurotic behaviors and thoughts, then what does that say about me, or them? I see all these things about me as problems needing to be corrected as quickly as possible. But if another person can take it for what it is, then what the fuck does that mean?

Fuck my life, is what it means. Perhaps it means that no matter how much I think I know or understand, it will always be subject to change. All it takes is one outsider perspective to rattle the cage and send everything I've built tumbling back down. But is that really so terrible? I think not. Just more unanswerable questions...go figure.

So I realized that this blog is fucking depressing! I'm not an unhappy person...I actually find much joy in the world, despite random moments of guilelessness. It's just that for me to understand the weirdness that is my mind, I find it helpful to get it out and then look at it and realize, "Wow! That's incredibly dumb!" So in an effort to provide some insight into who I really am, here is a list of 20 random things that make me happy! Most of them are silly, but just go with the flow.

1. Music- Ner..
2. The look people get on their faces when you say what you're really thinking and it's inappropriate.
3. The amazing wonder that is the Earth. I mean fuck, isn't it beautiful?!
4. The word fuck. I believe it to be the most versatile word in the English language. Plus it just rolls off the tongue so nicely, doesn't it?
5. Arizona canned tea. It's only $.99 and it's fucking delicious!!
6. I take great joy in the fact that I am basically a human dictionary/thesaurus. This trait most likely developed while I was in high school, because I literally read the dictionary and actually carried it around in my purse so I could read it at work, appointments, and even red lights.
7. I love making people laugh, but the weird thing about it is that I'm not a very funny person. But somehow people always think I'm hilarious and always laugh when I talk. I just say what I'm thinking...who knows. But laughter is great!
8. Seeing people who aren't afraid to be themselves makes me ecstatic! Humans should rejoice in difference, not beat it down!
9. Animals. I mean come on. I don't see how anyone could see an animal and not feel a little warm fuzzy grow inside their heart.
10. Pillows and blankets. I don't care what time of day or night it is. Curling into a ball with pillows and blankets is one of my greatest joys. Especially if there is someone awesome to curl up with!
11. Finding people in the world who seem to really understand me. It is rare and it is amazing! It takes P.I.C. to a whole other level...
12. Having friends who I can just sit with. We can either be talking each other's heads off or sitting in silence for hours. Doesn't matter. We can just exist, and that's enough.
13. Clouds. I can stare at them floating away all day long.
14. Stars. I can stare at them twinkling all night long.
15. Sketch books! I have way more of these than I should, and they are all filled with crazy pictures and writing that would probably frighten most people.
16. Signs from the universe! This doesn't happen often, but every once in a while the universe will send me a very distinct chain of signs pertaining to a current situation. It makes everything so much easier, for that moment at least.
17. Days when I manage not to look like Wolverine and Blair Witch's love child. Haha I crack myself up. But really, my hair is like a separate entity that just lives on my head and does whatever the hell it wants. So I cherish days when it cooperates.
18. Glitter. I don't know why, but sometimes I just need to have a little sparkle in my life.
19. Travel. Getting away from the broken down routine that is my life and seeing new things...couldn't ask for more.
20. Analogies. Comparing things that shouldn't even go together just to prove a point is amusing. My favorite recent analogy that I shared with someone was, "Why would you go to McDonalds for a salad? That's like going to a strip club just to ask for a hug..."

Okay, well I guess that's it for now.

Imposition!

I just remembered the main issue that kept scraping through my brain last night: Imposition! I have an intense aversion to imposing on anyone to an extent that I appear uninterested.

In fact, I usually feel that my mere existence is imposition enough, and I couldn't possibly bother anyone for anything more than my right to live. This interesting idea renders me unable to initiate any type of conversation, even with people I know. And when I do attempt to initiate I immediately feel guilty for interrupting that persons day, because I feel certain that whatever they were doing before I barged in was much more important and/or interesting. I will rarely ask someone to go do anything with me, and when I do, I say annoying things like, "Only if you really want to. Really, it's up to you. Hey, are we still doing what we talked about? Well just don't do anything you don't want to do." I want to tell myself to shut up, but at the same time I feel like I need to give everyone an escape clause so they won't feel pity for me when they tell me to fuck off.

So I won't initiate hardly anything. I just seem distant and cold, which is far from the truth. It's my fault people see me this way because of my inexcusable behaviors. But no matter how well I understand these things, and no matter how much I analyze and contemplate, it makes no difference. I'm afraid I hinder everyone by wanting to be a part of their lives.

One last thing I noticed this morning; There have been five major times in my life when circumstances have left me in unbearable crippling emotional pain. I know I feel emotion much more intensely than most, probably due to the fact that I am unable to express it in any outward form. During these five events, I remember shutting down. I would eventually start to wake up again, but for the most part i just died a little more each time without ever being fully revived. I feel like I've reached a point where the wounds don't heal anymore. I'm also reaching a point where I want to feel something again, but in order to do so I have to place sutures on the places that make feeling impossible.

For some people these processes come and go as naturally as breathing. Not me, baby. I am endlessly difficult and ridiculous...outlandish even.

Don't bother reading this- it's just the same inane bullshit.

Please don’t misunderstand. It’s not that I am cold or soulless. I am filled with more hope than most. So much, in fact, that it is almost unbearable. I possess a love that is sublime, and it flows from me at every opportunity.

I was driving last night and unfortunately decided to think about things while on the way to my destination. It never takes much for me to become engrossed in thought. I endlessly question the state of everything around me, and this night I had more than enough to ponder. I found myself becoming increasingly perturbed, and could only repeat, “I can’t. I’m ruined. I’m lost.”

I can’t keep doing this to myself. I've been ruined, and now I feel like I ruin everything else. And I’m just…fucking…lost.

I can try to justify the way I feel, but when it’s over I still can’t honestly say that it’s right. I feel that I've been conditioned to expect horrible things to happen. If I anticipate something terrible, I won’t be as crushed once it actually happens. But I realized that what is even more frightening is expecting this monstrous thing that never comes. It becomes yet another breeding ground for anxiety and paranoia. I start to let a few walls down, and then gripping fear strikes and I am scrambling to rebuild before the bad thing comes. Oh, why does everything with me have to be so analytical and complicated?!

My mind is so fucking frustrating. I can’t stand these intermittent moments of uncertainty. It’s normal to worry or to question, but not to this extreme. It doesn't take much to set it off, either. Something simple with a simple explanation occurs and my mind can produce 100 possible outcomes, most of them bad. I just need to calm down, and quickly. This is where I start to ruin everything…

Humanity makes me feel desolate at times. Because I see the way most people think and act, knowing I’m nothing like them, I assume I’m just nothing at all. Sometimes I feel like standing at the top of a mountain and waiting for my home planet to send me a rescue ship. I’m stranded. Lost.

Ha, and what is really amusing about this whole thing, is that even after all the positive reinforcements I receive I can still be back on the negative track in a matter of minutes. I want to believe, and I want to stop being paranoid. I want to stop writing about my damaged brain and my annoyingly cynical thoughts. It’s all the same shit, it just happens on different days. No matter how much I sit here and dissect my own idiocy I still can’t wrap my mind around my own mind. Damn, that’s pathetic.

I find myself unable to sleep, and of course my thoughts are bouncing around like pin balls. I was thinking about my friends and their relationships with their significant others, or lack thereof. I realized that I am always able to offer them advice or extremely detailed insight regarding an issue they are confronted with, and it usually benefits them. So now I'm wondering why I can do this for other people, but not myself. When it comes to any relationship, or even possible relationship of mine, I'm completely dumbfounded. It's quite disconcerting, actually.

I just sort of sit in bewilderment of the situation and wait to see what happens. I'm sure that this often gives the notion that I lack interest, which is usually not the case. But I find myself unable to communicate. I have plenty of thoughts I would delight in sharing, but the panic-inducing fear of how my thoughts will be perceived shuts my mouth before it can even open. Essentially I think it boils down to an extreme fear of rejection. I refuse to allow myself to become vulnerable, because vulnerability opens a door that can lead straight to acceptance or rejection. While acceptance is something every human craves, the possibilty of being rejected overshadows any inclinaton to take a chance.

I have also noticed that I have a tendency to project past attractions and repulsions where they don't belong. Thinking of what someone else did or said is not going to affect what is happening right now. Just because someone else did something horrible doesn't mean this new person will. Have I really become this fucking cynical? Can anyone really blame me, or anyone else for that matter? Humanity has 'progressed' into sophisticated cavemen. Calculating cruelty dressed up in so called civilized society.

Dissipative

Come closer, don't be so afraid to shed what you fear. Embrace the darkness with the light, and bask in the glow of the flame. We're all on the silk road to ruin. The impending doom is nailed, dead, and risen. Lend me your hand and we'll conquer it all. Or lend me your soul, and your heart I'll enthrall. Saved or condemned; to me they're the same. Hope is easily diminished in the sight of such shame. Fire slithers from my mouth in the form of prose. I can beguile your senses with the secrets I'll disclose. Captivate, dissociate.

Hope you brought a toothbrush baby; this could take all night...

So there's this place inside all of us; somewhere deep, beyond our hearts. From this place, we watch the drama that is our lives unfold with unbearable compassion. If we could quiet our minds enough, and transcend our egos enough, we could see how it really is- The mindless quality of total involvement that comes only when the ego is quiet and there is no attachment.

Somewhere inside we all know there is a place which is totally fulfilling. Not a desperate flick of fulfillment. It is a state of fulfillment. You may be experiencing despair that you will never feel that. GOOD. Because through the despair comes surrender, and through that surrender you get closer to it.  And what keeps you from that place that gives you that total feeling and experience and knowing of fulfillment is all of this posturing your thoughts. All your way of organizing your world. Your plans, your games, your exploring.

We're all on a limited trip that is full of fear of its end, trying to make its own eternity. You can come to understand the possibilities through direct experience, inference through intellect, and faith.

We've become so super-sophisticated in our evaluative mechanisms that we question everything we hear. And you feel especially paranoid if you are committed to an existing system with great attachment.

The message you communicate has noting to do with what you say. It has nothing to do with the look on your face. It's the vibrations that emanate from you. If your vibrations are paranoid, that is what is being perceived. And when you are around small children, animals, or very flipped out psychotics, they will know you immediately.

If you're in polarity, you are creating polar opposites. You can only protest effectively when you love the person whose ideas you are protesting against as much as you love yourself.

Love has to spring from within; and it is in no way amenable to any form of inner or outer force. Love and coercion can never go together. But though love cannot be forced on anyone, it can be awakened in him through love itself. Love is essentially self-communicative. Those who do not have it catch it from those who do. True love in unconquerable and irresistible, and it goes on gathering power and spreading itself, until eventually it transforms everyone whom it touches.

The only way out of polarity is to take the poles of every set of opposites and see the way in which they are one. If you can get to the place where you see the interrelatedness of everything, and you see the oneness in it all, then no longer are you attached to your polarized position.

This is all a very simple, methodical, mechanical set of steps. But they’re only available to those who can hear. Let those who have ears hear. Teach not those who do not want to know. The whole game is based on faith.

What you may not understand is the whole game you have been playing is also based on faith. You have had faith in the rational mind. We are living in a society which is a temple dedicated to the rational man. Even though the first commandment says, “I am the lord thy god. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” Even though that has been said and even though we repeat it we still worship the rational mind and its products. We worship our own sense data. It’s only when we see the assumptions that we’ve already been functioning on that we can start to extricate ourselves.

You’ve got to go the rate you can go. You wake up at the rate you wake up. You master your desire at the rate you master your desire. The disequilibrium comes into harmony at the rate it comes into harmony. You can’t rip the skin off the snake. It must be molted.

My thinking mind is a perfect servant and a lousy master. I am watching he who speaks. I am watching they who listen. I am watching thinking. Thoughts are clouds. The entire process from this place inside is always calm. A place in which the flame never flickers. And as I learn to live in this eternally calm place it gets deeper and deeper and calmer and calmer and wiser and lighter and I am more love and I become more and more like the sun. Just the process of calming, centering, extricating myself from the drama.

Mind creates matter. The casual plane is the world of ideas that creates the universe. Right at the top of the casual plane is what we call the godhead. It’s the first place into the universe of form. It’s the first world of form. It’s the place where the mind that is God manifested into the universe. His thought manifested into all the lower levels of the casual plane, all the astral planes and the physical plane, and when you go back you go to that place where you become one with the godhead. You are God. You are the id ea that lies behind the universe. You are literally it. You’re not making believe. You are it.

The final place that the game leads to is where you live consciously in all of it. Which is nothing. You are eternal. You have finished perishing. There is no fear of death because there is no death. It’s just a transformation…an illusion. And yet, seeing all that, you still flow in harmony with the universe. You are beyond morality and yet your actions are totally moral.

The psychosis business is an interesting business. If you go through the door too fast and you’re not ready for it you’re bound hand and foot and thrown into outer darkness. You may land anywhere and lots of people end up in institutions. The reason they do is they went through the door with their ego and they don’t understand that you have to die to be born.