I find myself unable to sleep, and of course my thoughts are bouncing around like pin balls. I was thinking about my friends and their relationships with their significant others, or lack thereof. I realized that I am always able to offer them advice or extremely detailed insight regarding an issue they are confronted with, and it usually benefits them. So now I'm wondering why I can do this for other people, but not myself. When it comes to any relationship, or even possible relationship of mine, I'm completely dumbfounded. It's quite disconcerting, actually.

I just sort of sit in bewilderment of the situation and wait to see what happens. I'm sure that this often gives the notion that I lack interest, which is usually not the case. But I find myself unable to communicate. I have plenty of thoughts I would delight in sharing, but the panic-inducing fear of how my thoughts will be perceived shuts my mouth before it can even open. Essentially I think it boils down to an extreme fear of rejection. I refuse to allow myself to become vulnerable, because vulnerability opens a door that can lead straight to acceptance or rejection. While acceptance is something every human craves, the possibilty of being rejected overshadows any inclinaton to take a chance.

I have also noticed that I have a tendency to project past attractions and repulsions where they don't belong. Thinking of what someone else did or said is not going to affect what is happening right now. Just because someone else did something horrible doesn't mean this new person will. Have I really become this fucking cynical? Can anyone really blame me, or anyone else for that matter? Humanity has 'progressed' into sophisticated cavemen. Calculating cruelty dressed up in so called civilized society.