Don't bother reading this- it's just the same inane bullshit.

Please don’t misunderstand. It’s not that I am cold or soulless. I am filled with more hope than most. So much, in fact, that it is almost unbearable. I possess a love that is sublime, and it flows from me at every opportunity.

I was driving last night and unfortunately decided to think about things while on the way to my destination. It never takes much for me to become engrossed in thought. I endlessly question the state of everything around me, and this night I had more than enough to ponder. I found myself becoming increasingly perturbed, and could only repeat, “I can’t. I’m ruined. I’m lost.”

I can’t keep doing this to myself. I've been ruined, and now I feel like I ruin everything else. And I’m just…fucking…lost.

I can try to justify the way I feel, but when it’s over I still can’t honestly say that it’s right. I feel that I've been conditioned to expect horrible things to happen. If I anticipate something terrible, I won’t be as crushed once it actually happens. But I realized that what is even more frightening is expecting this monstrous thing that never comes. It becomes yet another breeding ground for anxiety and paranoia. I start to let a few walls down, and then gripping fear strikes and I am scrambling to rebuild before the bad thing comes. Oh, why does everything with me have to be so analytical and complicated?!

My mind is so fucking frustrating. I can’t stand these intermittent moments of uncertainty. It’s normal to worry or to question, but not to this extreme. It doesn't take much to set it off, either. Something simple with a simple explanation occurs and my mind can produce 100 possible outcomes, most of them bad. I just need to calm down, and quickly. This is where I start to ruin everything…

Humanity makes me feel desolate at times. Because I see the way most people think and act, knowing I’m nothing like them, I assume I’m just nothing at all. Sometimes I feel like standing at the top of a mountain and waiting for my home planet to send me a rescue ship. I’m stranded. Lost.

Ha, and what is really amusing about this whole thing, is that even after all the positive reinforcements I receive I can still be back on the negative track in a matter of minutes. I want to believe, and I want to stop being paranoid. I want to stop writing about my damaged brain and my annoyingly cynical thoughts. It’s all the same shit, it just happens on different days. No matter how much I sit here and dissect my own idiocy I still can’t wrap my mind around my own mind. Damn, that’s pathetic.