Imposition!

I just remembered the main issue that kept scraping through my brain last night: Imposition! I have an intense aversion to imposing on anyone to an extent that I appear uninterested.

In fact, I usually feel that my mere existence is imposition enough, and I couldn't possibly bother anyone for anything more than my right to live. This interesting idea renders me unable to initiate any type of conversation, even with people I know. And when I do attempt to initiate I immediately feel guilty for interrupting that persons day, because I feel certain that whatever they were doing before I barged in was much more important and/or interesting. I will rarely ask someone to go do anything with me, and when I do, I say annoying things like, "Only if you really want to. Really, it's up to you. Hey, are we still doing what we talked about? Well just don't do anything you don't want to do." I want to tell myself to shut up, but at the same time I feel like I need to give everyone an escape clause so they won't feel pity for me when they tell me to fuck off.

So I won't initiate hardly anything. I just seem distant and cold, which is far from the truth. It's my fault people see me this way because of my inexcusable behaviors. But no matter how well I understand these things, and no matter how much I analyze and contemplate, it makes no difference. I'm afraid I hinder everyone by wanting to be a part of their lives.

One last thing I noticed this morning; There have been five major times in my life when circumstances have left me in unbearable crippling emotional pain. I know I feel emotion much more intensely than most, probably due to the fact that I am unable to express it in any outward form. During these five events, I remember shutting down. I would eventually start to wake up again, but for the most part i just died a little more each time without ever being fully revived. I feel like I've reached a point where the wounds don't heal anymore. I'm also reaching a point where I want to feel something again, but in order to do so I have to place sutures on the places that make feeling impossible.

For some people these processes come and go as naturally as breathing. Not me, baby. I am endlessly difficult and ridiculous...outlandish even.