I just want a Pebble. Maybe.

I've been turning these words around inside. They're ripping holes in my brain, and making room for you to crawl within. Your mouth is poison. The only anecdote is another phrase from you; another admission. I think it may be true that none of us truly know what we want until it's standing before us, angrily pointing it's finger to the sky.

The last time we spoke, you said, "I realized once you were gone just how much I loved you. I still do. And I won't ever stop. I'm dying alone unless you love me back."

It just made me think about people and what we feel versus what we say. And it makes me extremely curious as to why we can love someone, or at least think we do, and do something horribly regrettable to them. How do we know what we need? And how do we know what to give? Can't two people just exist beside each other without ruining it?

First there was L, who said I was too weird for him to bring home to meet his mom, so that meant it wasn't going to work.

Then there was M, who loved me just fine until a fateful bus trip to Atlanta, where he met his "true soul mate".

Then we have G, who was mature until he wasn't anymore. If it's either my friends or you, it's going to be friends. Sorrehh.

And then the lovely D. I knew from the start it wasn't meant to be, but it was fun and mutual and ended happily.

Then we have M, who was delightful to say the least, but we both left college and being 900 miles apart wasn't fun after a while.

Now we're at the charming B, who after the first night over at my apt told me I'd make a great wife because I made a great dinner and cleaned everything. He kept grabbing my hips and "inspecting my baby making potential". I knew then that it wouldn't last much longer.

And then we have J. It was the perfect mutual agreement until it wasn't anymore. 3 fucking proposals from this one. And no, I never accepted. Only once did I wonder how different things would be if I'd accepted. But I think that would have been much worse.

All in all I guess my history is just scattered and confusing at best. Are we supposed to be looking for a mate or a buddy or a friend who you happen to sleep with sometimes i mean what the fucking fuck. This is one of those books with way too many chapters and pages within those chapters and everyone is on opposite ends of the novel. It's like humans have a mix of all the instincts of the entire animal kingdom, so you end up with a penguin trying to snag a leopard. Leopards wanna fuck and then go their own way, and penguins want to bring you the most beautiful pebble on the beach to profess their love so you can be life-long mates. And when the penguin brings the leopard a pebble, she will smack it from his little webbed foot and then eat him. Sounds a lot like humans to me.